Down Goes Drago

So I met this Russian girl at a birthday party a couple of weeks ago. I was drunk but kicking phenomenal game. Her and her friends asked me to take some pictures of them. It was the perfect opening into the group.

I purchased Drago and her communist friends a shot of vodka and was making out with her within an hour of meeting her. As her friend was trying to drag her home, I asked for her number. She hesitated. I told her it wasn't a big deal and that she doesn't have to give it to me. She explains that she wants to, but her nights are very busy because of her job. I immediately figure she's a stripper or prostitute, working for the Russian mafia to pay off her debt of them bringing her to this fine country.

She explains that she's an event planner. I picture said events being meetings with johns. Come on...she's Russian, lives in Brooklyn and works nights? Has to be a hooker. She gives me her number and says we'll get together on Tuesday. It being Saturday, I figure I'll shoot her one text as soon as she leaves the bar so she has my number and ignore her until late Monday night.

I text her Monday night and we plan to meet at Nevada Smith's because she has a "social obligation" that she must show her face at. Bachelor party? Group orgy? Whatever. I get there at 7pm. She's waiting for me by the door. Smoking body. The face is average. I didn't remember much about her considering I was up until 6am drinking and singing karaoke.

She escorts me to a party downstairs. Apparently Nevada's is a bigtime soccer bar. All the foreigners go there every week to watch the games. The bar was throwing a free holiday party for all of the houligans. It was a rather entertaining experience. The party was packed with people from all walks of life. A very odd and diverse group. These tools were screaming, chanting and singing the whole night. At one point, the bartender, or cult leader, got up on a table and gave a William Wallace-esque speech declaring how these soccer fans and Nevada Smith's has taken the Manhattan soccer scene by storm. Seriously? Is there such a scene anywhere in this country? He talks about how much better 2010 will be for them, the bar and their sport. Ugh! Get back behind the bar and back to handing out free drinks, ya fairy!

I pretended to be interested in learning about soccer and asked plenty of questions about it. This is going to be so easy. Drago is eating all of this up. I mingled with her friends. Some cool. Some losers. The party wraps up and we all head upstairs. One of Drago's friends, a mildly attractive black girl, took a liking to me and started buying us shots.

The next thing I remember is that we're sitting down in a Ukrainian restaurant. A gay looking waiter brings us Euro beer and hands us menu. I throw it down and tell her it's in her hands. Let me tell you something about the Ukrainians...boy do they love their beets. During this four course meal, I must've had three different types of beet salad. It was very good, but geez, how about a little creativity. Maybe some different ingredients. The bill comes and it totals $41. Are you fucking kiddding me? I just had four courses and beers. I ponder getting on the next flight to the Ukraine and buying the country.

After dinner we head to McSorley's but it's empty. We walk down the street to a different bar. I have a feeling it was a gay bar. On one side of me there was two dudes making out. On the other side, I overheard three guys huddled up together...

Fag1: "I don't know. I'm scared. It's not that big."
Fag2: "It doesn't matter if it's big. It just has to be pretty."

God, why can't women feel the same way?

At this point I was blacked out, so the being at the epicenter of gaydom did not bother me too much. But I do have to say, I did keep my head on a swivel on bathroom trips.

We're smashed and going at it at the bar. I've been that guy a lot lately. At one point she spreads her legs and shows me her panties. Nice. I squeeze her ass. She asks me if she can straddle me. I tell her to go for it. All of the sudden, a douchey bouncer walks over...

Bouncer: "Excuse me, but there's no straddling allowed."
Me: "I'm not straddling anyone."

He did not look amused. He turned to Drago and told her the same. She climbed down off of my lap. And what the fuck? Is there a sign on the wall that says, "No Straddling Please"? I don't fucking see one. I've got Clay Aiken talking about getting banged on film to the left of me but I can't have a Russian slut sit on my lap? What is this world coming to?

We close the bar down. I get home at 4:30 in the morning. Work's going to be a doozey. Wait a minute, did I really not fuck this girl after all of this? Wow. Pathetic.

We get together at a Greek restaurant for Happy Hour a week later. This chick is pretty cool. Am I going to date her? Absolutely not. But she's decent to talk to. After some drinks she decides that she's hungry. She gives me the option. Burger or pasta. I put it in her hands.

Why the fuck didn't I say burger? After a heavy Italian meal and two bottles of wine, I'm $120 poorer. Not exactly devastating, but the bill at the greasy burger joint probably would have been $15. We head back to Nevada Smith's. We don't even finish our beer before we leave. As we stand on the street corner she invites me back to her place.

I promptly pass. Wait, what? Uh, yeah. You read that correctly. She invited me back to her place for sex and I declined. I think that may be the first time I never turned down sex. I was too lazy. I didn't want to head back to her place in Bay Ridge and then have to wake up at 5:30 in the morning to get back into the city and then on to Long Island. I didn't have it in me. I must be getting old.

After I turned her down she was begging for me to hang out. She asked to hang out the following two nights and when I made excuses to get out of them, she asked about the weekend. Wow. Although not what I was going for, declining worked like a charm.

So Sunday I drive my brother and cousin into the city. They had all of their Christmas gifts and couldn't bring them on the train. I figured I'd watch the Giants game with them and maybe meet up with Drago and crash at her place afterward.

We saddled up at SoCo for the game. After the Giants started getting blown out, we started doing shots of Jameson. I hate Jamo. This does not bode well for later. We leave the bar and head to Canyon Road, where we pounded diesel margaritas. After dinner there, my brother bailed and my cousin and I headed back to his place.

I decide to wave Mother Russia in. I text her and give her the address. She'll be over in 15. Things turned a little hazy at my cousin's place because we continued to drink a few bottles of wine. By the time she got there we were blacked out. I don't remember everything but as we were sitting on the couch, drinking and listening to music, my cousin reached over and grabbed her tit. Drago is mortified and speechless. He mutters something incoherent. She looks at me and I laugh. Somebody's not a happy camper.

I head into the bathroom and she asks if I need any help. I tell her that I do. We start going at it inside. As I pull her pants down she tells me she's got her period. Figures. She tells me that she wants to see my cock. I unzip my pants and pull my piece out. She makes a sound of approval and she unbuckles my belt. My pants drop to my ankles and she starts going to town. Quality oral. I fire off a nice shot into her mouth and she takes it all down. I exit the bathroom but she fixes herself up.

As I'm walking back to the couch I see that my cousin is passed out. I stop. I turn around. She's walking out the bathroom door. I unzip my pants again and take my penis out. Why am I doing this? I literally just fired a load about 40 seconds ago. She gets on her knees and starts to suck me off again.

I walk into his bedroom and she continues to blow me. She asks me if I can cum again. I tell her that I can. I probably can't. Intermittently she asks me if I'm going to cum soon. I keep playing it off that it will be any second. She blows me for at least a half hour. I took her tits out of the bra during this blowjob. They were horrible. Like flapjacks. Gross nipples, too.My body tells me to gag. This isn't speeding things up at all. I close my eyes and think of a happy place. Blasting is going to be a chore under these conditions.

She tells me that she wants me to cum on her face and asks if I will. Are you fucking kidding me? Of course I will. As I'm about to spurt I pull my piece out of her mouth and aim for her eye. My penis shoots the weakest jizz bomb of its career. A small spurt lands next to her nose. Why the fuck couldn't she ask for a facial on the first one?

I sit back down on the couch. I'm immediately bored with her and never want to see her again. Drago continues to try to get me to go out and wants to get dinner. I tell her that I already ate three dinners tonight so I'm not eating. I'm hungry, but there's no way I'm buying her dinner. She just sucked me off twice, I don't need to!

She's persistent. I can't shake her. I pretend to pass out on the couch. For the next hour, Drago shakes me, tries to talk to me and does everything else in her power to try to get me to go back out and come home with her. Holy fuck, can this girl take a hint? At one point she throws my sweatshirt over my face. I can't breathe. It's about 110 degrees underneath it. I'm not going to make it. Geez, they should use this tactic at Guantanamo Bay. I use every ounce of will power in my body and don't crack. She lifts it off and squeezes my nostrils closed. I flinch and pop up. I quickly pop down and pretend to pass out again.

She throws the sweatshirt on my face again. Fuck me. I hear the door close. I don't move for two or three more minutes, thinking this is a trick. I hear nothing. I get up. She's gone. Thank God. I thought she would never leave.

The Comeback

Greetings, friends. After an eight month relationship I have returned. Much like when Michael Jordan dropped 55 points at the Garden after his first retirement, I picked things up pretty quickly.

Hit the hoops tourney at MSG with some of the boys Friday night. This was a nice little warm up for the evening, as we were headed to Toy's birthday party afterward. Actually, it was a joint birthday party with his girlfriend.

As soon as I walk into the room I immediately introduce myself to two randoms and start dropping game. One is eating it up. She's average. The other is snippy and doesn't get any of my jokes. Such a bitch. I move on because the bitch will surely cock block me.

So AT and I are playing Beirut and he and Hack start talking to a girl who's basically wearing a napkin for a dress. The thing pretty much covers her pussy and stops. I step over and jump into the conversation with a dirty joke. Cannot remember what I said. She tells me that I'm dirty. I step back to the table and brush her off.

I sporadically walk over to her and make more dirty jokes to her. She tells me that I'm dirty and that she likes it because she's dirty too. Well, that turned out to be the understatement of the century, but we'll get to that in a bit.

So her and her fat friend are up next to play Beirut. Thinking on my feet, I befriend the beefy friend. I tell this Jew (did I leave that out?) that she's cut and that I'm playing with her friend. I totally pour it on. I'm high-fiving the friend after I hit a cup. She sinks one and I'm picking her up, which was no small feat. I figure that once this broad falls in love with me, it's as good as gold with the other.

Finish the game. So I go up to the bar and sit next to the Jew. Ten minutes later we're making out in front of anyone. Ugh, I hate being that guy. It's like investing in your 401k. You hate seeing that money taken out of your paycheck but deep down you know it's the right thing and will pay off in the long run. Boy will it ever.

The following exchange takes place:

Jew: "All my friends are going home but I really want to stay out and party."
Me: "Well my cousin just texted me. Her and her boyfriend are at some party at a karaoke bar. You wanna go?"
Jew: "Yeah, that would be awesome. I would totally be down."

This is going to be easier than I thought.

We cab it down to the thirties. During said cab ride we start making out. We get to the place and start walking up a long staircase to get up to it. I pull her skirt up. No panties. Hmmm. My cousin greets us at the bar and we head back to the private room.

My cousin's boyfriend wants me to do a song. He gives me the book to pick one out. As the book sits on my lap, the Jew slides her hand underneath and starts playing with my cock. He keeps bugging me to do a song. I keep telling him that I'm looking for one. Finally I tell her that I need to go to the bathroom and that she should come with me. No hesitation.

We walk down this narrow, sketchy hallway to the john. I open the door and survey the scene. Empty. She scurries in behind me and we get in the stall. She drops to her knees and starts unzipping my fly. She pulls my johnson out and starts going to town. Real professional. So I'm not sure if she's going to want to swallow so I give her warning when I'm about to blast. She takes it in her mouth. I don't know if it caught her off guard or just because I shot a boatload, but it's coming out of her mouth. She pulls my rod out and the last few spurts land on her tits and sweater.

She starts wiping the cum off of her tits and sweater. As she's wiping it, she's putting it in her mouth! At this point it's a little horrifying. Not only did this girl just suck me off in the bathroom of a karaoke bar at 4:30 in the morning, but she doesn't want to waste any of my semen and is ushering it into her mouth!!!

We get back in the room. I'm basking in the glory of what just happened. I sing a song and we eventually wrap it up.

Jew: "Do you want to come home with me?"
Me: "Yes, yes I do."
Jew: "I live with my grandpa. Is that alright?"
Me: "Yeah, no worries."
Jew: "Wow. Most guys aren't cool with that."
Me: "No big deal."

I live with my freaking parents. At least your roommate will probably be dead by next week and you'll have the place to yourself.

She tells me that the next train to her town is at 5:30am. Is this girl kidding me? Pappy's going to be waking up to watch Golden Girls reruns by the time we stroll in. I tell her that I'm getting us a cab. I hail a cab. The Paki wanted $85 but I negotiated it down to $70.

We're making out in the cab. Next thing I know she starts fingering herself. I take the hint, hike the mini skirt up and start blasting away. She's going buck wild. I unzip my pants and take my penis out. She takes the whole thing. This made it the quickest cab I've ever taken from Manhattan. We arrive. I'm bamboozled at this point and tip this knob job five bucks. Whatever. He just got a great show so fuck him if he's not happy.

We get to Pappy's condo. Sneak in, get up to her room, which is right next door to Pappy's and fuck. It was solid. Nice performance. Black out.

Next thing I know it's morning and I have to piss like a race horse. The vodka/sodas I was crushing all night have finally hit me. This is not good. I'm going to piss the bed momentarily. I have to act. I crack the door open. No sign of Pappy. Sprint to the bathroom. I come out and I hear him mulling around downstairs. Fuck. Spring back to the room. I get in bed and pass back out.

I wake up shortly thereafter to the Jew playing with my cock. I open my eyes and she starts blowing me again. Nice. She asks me if I have another condom. I throw it on and she gets on top of me.

She's riding me but I'm sort of disinterested in the whole thing. I'm am still drunk, my head is pounding and I don't know if Matlock is going to bust through the door at any moment. These factors made for a great performance.

As she's riding me I notice that she's grabbing her ass. I'm sitting there wondering why the fuck she's holding it. For a second I think that she's conscious about it or something. Not sure why. It's pretty nice. The girl's body was diesel, now that I think about it. So I turn her around so she's now riding me reverse cowgirl and I discover what's been going on the whole time.

THIS CHICK WAS FINGERBLASTING HER ASSHOLE!

I perk up like a startled deer. I am into this. She had her middle finger knuckle deep!

She tells me that she's going to cum and soon after does. She then asks me if I'll cum in her mouth. Seriously? Do you really have to ask? I tell her "of course" and she slides the rubber off and starts deep throating my piece. I finally fire off a shot. Low volume and very weak pump action. She then tells me that we better get going because Pappy was probably out but would be home soon.

She drives me home. As we pull up to my house I ponder how to play this. I decide that I'll tell her that if she wants my number she can get it from Toy. Toy obviously doesn't have my number.

Me: "Umm...thanks for the ride. Uh, if you want my number you can..."
Jew: "Yeah, totally. What is it?"

Fuck.

I give her the number and start to get out of the car.

I say my goodbye.

Jew: "It was nice meeting you....and everything else!"

Ugh, what a skank. I close the door as the word "and" was leaving her lips. I stroll through the door and my father asks me who that was. As I walk up the stairs I tell him that I don't know.

The MILF Chronicles by Looty

So when I first started this current job, I was really bummed out because it was a small office and really didn't have any talent. But later on during that first day, I met a this hot chick and a milf. I immediately wanted to fuck both of them.

As time went by, through my quick wit and vile humor, the Milf and I grew closer and closer. Soon we were eating lunch together every day and emailing back and forth, sometimes a hundred times a day. The flirting really skyrocketed.

On the day of the Christmas party, which was at another one of our offices, she asked if I could drive her to and fro. I jumped at the chance. Knowing she was married with two kids, I really didn't think I had a shot but dreamed there was an outside chance of something happening that evening. No luck. Oh well.

So the hot chick is getting married and invites a bunch of us. I bail on the wedding but the Milf was desperate for a ride there. So again, dreaming she'd make a move, I offer to drive her. Slight problem, this gay black dude who wants me weasels his way in on the ride. I pick her up first and on the way to get him he keeps calling her to give her directions.

She picks up the phone and tells Gay Black to "stop calling me I'm sucking Looty's dick", in a joking fashion.

So throughout the whole wedding, the Milf is texting me nonstop.

"Wish you were here"
"You should come"
"Just come I want you here"

You get the idea.

So towards the end of the wedding she texts me that she wants to meet up afterwards. Done. I already know how this is ending. Don't we all?

So Gay Black slithers his way into the plans and comes out too. They're getting out of the wedding at 12:30 so I meet up with Pink and we go bowling and crush some pitchers while doing so. I get shitfaced while there.

So the Milf texts me and tells me where to meet them. I drive drunk (which I don't condone kids) and meet up with them. Pink and I are both smashed, borderline sloppy. So we hang at this bar 'til closing, drinking beers and yucking it up. After that, the Milf says I'm too drunk to drive and we sit in my car for an hour or so. She massages my neck while sitting behind me.

So this all went down Friday night. Saturday goes by with no contact from the Milf. Sunday rolls around and I get a text from her that afternoon:

"Do you remember kissing me?"

Wow, she must be joking about this cuz she wants it to happen. Nice.

Me: Haha, very funny
Milf: No seriously
Me: Uh huh
Milf: You don't remember?
Me: It didn't happen
Milf: Now I feel like an ass.
Me: Why?
Milf: Bc you don't remember our kiss
Me: Didn't happen
Milf: I knew you were drunk but didn't realize you were that drunk

Wait a minute...she does not sound like she's joking. I may have actually kissed her! I panic and quickly go into damage control mode to try to salvage this into hooking up with her.

Milf: You really don't remember?
Me: I do, I was jk
Milf: It was really gentle and nice
Me: Yup
Milf: You don't remember
Me: Yeah I do
Milf: Then where were your hands?
Me: On your hips
Milf: Wrong!

Is this seriously happening?

Me: Kidding, on your face
Milf: No! You don't remember! Your hands were on my shoulders
Milf: Where were mine?
Me: My ass
Milf: No!

Fuck me. Why the fuck would I guess ass?

Me: I'm really sorry. I was really bombed.
Milf: I feel like an ass. Is this the first time you've forgotten about kissing a girl?

Yeah...first time this week.

Me: No. Don't take it personally, I was smashed.
Milf: I'm really upset.
Me: Me too
Milf: Why are you upset?
Me: Bc that's something I want to remember
Milf: Really?
Me: Yeah, I'm really hoping I get another shot at it
Milf: I don't know

This continues the rest of Sunday night. I get into work on Monday and it carries on throughout the day. After some major damage control and buttering up, she shoots me this email:

I may have some time to spare after work tomorrow. Would you want to meet up?

Yes and yes!

Tuesday couldn't go any slower. We get out of work and meet a couple of blocks away from the office on this street that doesn't have any houses on part of it. She gets into my car. We start going at it. Big makeout sesh. She rub my penis on the outside of my pants.

A forty year old woman who is married and has two kids is rubbing my penis.

Love it.

I reach for her pants but she denies me. So after about a half hour of making out and some heavy petting, she tells me she has to go.

Hello, Wednesday. She shoots me an email asking if I wanted to meet up again after work. Done. Same deal. Just some making out and some fondling. Our session ends and I go home. I get a text later that evening.

Do you want to meet tonight? I'll have some time after my kickboxing class.

I meet up with the mommy and we go at it. Ten minutes in and she's unbuckling my belt. She's feasting on my cock like it was the Last Supper. She moves down to my balls and goes to town on them. But it doesn't stop there. She makes her way under my balls to my grundel and absolutely works it over. What a go-getter. First blow job and she's covering all angles. I blast and we part.

This continues for two weeks. We meet up and she blows me a minimum of two times, every time. Now I've fingerblasted her but she said she won't have sex in a car. Go figure.

So she emails me one day telling me that her family is going out of town for some hockey tournament that her kid is in. She suggests that we go out for drinks and then go back to her house. Given the fact that her husband was a big time hockey player that was supposed to go to the NHL before his father got ill and died, and he gave the sport up, I figure it'd be smart to take as little risk as possible. For all I know this dude could be an absolute monster.

So I book a hotel room.

We decide to meet at the hotel at 5:15. That gives me a half hour after work to check in, jerk off, take a shit and air out my sweaty socks. What the fuck was I thinking? A half hour? I'm a fucking dolt.

I get to the hotel at 5. That leaves me fifteen minutes to prep. I text her to see if we could change that to 5:30. She tells me she's two minutes away. Fuck. Didn't get to jerk off or shit. Walking around with two loaded weapons before a date isn't exactly something I prefer to do but I've gotta bite the bullet this time.

We go to a bar down the street and after her first rum and coke she's buzzed. After the second she's drunk. After the third she's making out with my neck as we sit at the bar. Check please. I stop off to get some beer before hitting the hotel.

We get back to the room. We're going at it, tearing each other's clothes off. We start to fuck. It's awesome. She's going buck wild. Her husband probably hasn't fucked her in ages. We're hitting a nice assortment of positions. Going strong. Straight plowing it.

Next thing you know, McGruff is taking a bite out of crime, and when I say crime I mean my fucking arm. This isn't a sexy nibble or soft love bite. This is great white shark chomping the shit out of a sea lion. I'm fighting back tears as I continue to fuck her. A sharp stabbing pain is pulsating at the spot of the bite, where my shoulder meets my bicep.

I am in so much pain my dick goes soft. Un-fucking-real. Couldn't keep it up. So she realizes and chalks it up to me being drunk. We fool around for a little and I throw another rubber on, thinking I'm ready to saddle back up. Get it in and start pumping. My arm is going numb. Lose the woody. This cannot be happening. And it certainly could not happen a third time. Could it? Fucking right it could. So humiliated at this point but I'm pretty sure she still thinks it's because I'm drunk.

She starts to suck my cock. My dick plays Lee Harvey Oswald to her JFK.

So we take a short break and before you know it I'm playing the pussy lips piano and she's back to sucking me off. Blast again.

So then we got into a fight. I really can't remember what it was over. She gets dressed and says she's leaving. She tells me she's leaving again. She keeps saying it but isn't doing it. She clearly does not want to leave and I'm calling her bluff. I tell her to do what she's gotta do. I'm basically Scott Boras and my penis is Mark Teixeira in these negotiations. After some drama and yelling at me she gets back into bed and is making out with me.

Now I'm determined to fuck her again, and finish.

I start fucking her. She's gets into it quickly and is going crazy again. So as I'm drilling away, wouldn't you know, fucking Hannibal Lector over here bites my hand as hard as she can. I bite my lip hard. I feel like slapping this broad. She reads the anger in my face.

Milf: "Oh I can see you're mad. I'm really sorry. I got caught up in the moment."
Me: "Nah, I'm not mad. I just can't really feel much of my left arm right now."

I tell her I have to go to the bathroom. I get in their to survey the scene and check out the battle scars. My shoulder is lightly bleeding. My hand, which feels like was slammed in a door, has a perfect mold of her teeth in it (which by the way, as I type this, THREE DAYS LATER, I still have the imprints of her fucking teeth in my hand).

I get back out there and she blows me.

We wake up the next morning and we fuck twice. In between, she shows me a text message her husband sent her last night:

Way to turn your phone off while both of your kids are way, God forbid something happen to them. Your son just wanted to say goodnight to you and you don't answer the phone. Guess it would be hard to do that with your mouth full. The sad part is I don't even fucking care anymore.

Now the weird part is that she said he's never acted that way before. I wonder if this buffoon is catching on to her coming home late three times a week to suck on my bratwurst. The best part was, by the second or third blow job of the night, she not only worked my grundel over but started tossing my salad. She continued to do so on each one after that point. There wasn't any tongue penetration like Fish Taco did but she did go to down on the outside and surrounding areas. It was a delight.

I look at the clock. We've been in bed for 16 straight hours, doing nothing but fucking and drinking. I really don't even remember how many times I jizzed but I'd say it was at least six, maybe closer to 7 or 8. My dick was so raw the next day that I could barely stand up straight. At one point, when we went to get lunch after all of this, she asked in amazement how many times we fucked. I couldn't give her an answer.