The Weekend...Part I

*Please be advised that this story was comprised primarily from text messages, picture and eyewitness accounts, as I don't remember most of it.

Where to begin? It was the weekend of my brother JV's 30th birthday. I was crashing at my cousin Ritter's place for the weekend. We had plans to go out Saturday night and we had dinner reservation at La Esquina for Sunday night. Somewhere in between I planned to squeeze in some studying for the Series 7. I know, I know...wishful thinking. I'm going to fucking fail that thing.

I drove in and got to Ritter's just in time for the start of the first football game at 4pm. My mom sent two bottles of wine in with me. Thanks, mom. Seriously, that was a huge mistake on her part. Ritters and I mainlined that first bottle. It was easily gone in twenty minutes. JV swung by shortly thereafter and we crushed the second faster than the first. We were meeting JV's friends, my other cousin Her, and Her's boyfriend, the Chin, at McSorley's.

We all arrived at McSorley's within five minutes of each other and were seated almost immediately. That's where things started to get hazy. The last thing I remember was Ritters ordering three straight rounds of 20 darks and 15 lights. We were putting them down at a ridiculous pace. This is pretty standard and not really a big deal...usually. There was one problem. We never ate dinner. The last food I had was at 2pm. At this point we must've been drinking 6 or 7 straight hours. This was ominous.

The next thing I remember was being at Zum Schneider, which we planned to hit before Whiskeytown. It's a solid German bar that serves giant beers. I have no clue how we got there. While there, some of the braniacs of the group decided they should get some cocaine delivered to balance them out against the booze. Some of us realized the downward spiral we were in and figured that would sober them up. The Chin gets on the horn to find some. Her overhears him trying to score the drugs and freaks out. She's always had a major problem with his recreational use of the white.

So now the two of them are fighting. The Chin is being insulting to Her. I guess this fight was the straw that broke the camel's back because they broke up right then and there. After that, the Chin kept making insulting comments to her and Ritters and I were not having it. The next thing I know Ritters is throwing punches at the Chin. Her yelled out and warned him so he didn't take any direct shots. He was only grazed before the bouncers threw the two of us out.

JV now runs out of the bar and demands the bouncers not let us back in. What? Is he serious? What side is he on here? The Chin was being a major douche to our cousin. As far as we were concerned, we were just standing up for her.

Ritters and i are now 20 feet away from JV, who the bouncers are holding back. Ritters takes his cigarette and throws it at him. The still-lit cigarette goes in JV's mouth. It was pretty amazing. It was a 1 in a 100,000,000 kind of thing. As he spits it out, it lights his scarf on fire.

Ritters then makes a bum rush at JV and slaps him and spits in his face. We bolt into a cab unscathed by the bouncers and head back to his place, the Cave. I don't remember much after that. We ended up at the Cave with Her, Ritter's ex-girlfriend Lucifer, his friend BJ and later on the Chin showed up. I'm blacked out by this point, but Ritters called the Chin's mom a fat bitch and started more drama. My cousin and BJ had to carry my corpse into the bedroom.

It's 11am and I struggle to make it out of bed. I enter the living room. Ritters is nowhere to be found. BJ is face planted on the couch and looks dead. There's papers strewn all over the floor. A remote control is smashed and in pieces on the floor as well. The cowhide rug is drenched with what I assume to be piss. I text Ritters:

Where are you? BJ is face down on the couch and the place looks like Haiti. What did we do last night?

My shuffling around wakes BJ up. We gets up, mumbles something in a coke-created language and walks out the door. No response from Ritters. I text JV to guage his situation. I ask him what happened last night and he briefly recaps the nights events. Yikes. I get on the couch and lob in a solid food order....sausage egg & cheese, chicken fingers, grilled cheese, two toasted bagels with butter and two cans of Coca-Cola.

Ritters gets back to me. He went home with Lucifer. He'll be home in twenty minutes. I walk into the bathroom. There's a giant, bloody tampon in the shower that looks like someone took a bite out of it. What the fuck?

I got back on the couch and feasted as I watched football. Twenty minutes turned into a couple of hours. Turns out Ritters was gassing wine all morning with Lucifer. He finally shows up with two magnum bottles of white wine. We start crushing them. We negotiated with JV through text messages to work out a deal. He would do his own thing during the day and he'd meet us at La Esquina for our 9:30 reservation. The next several hours were a blur. We watched football, played Wii tennis and had a dance competition. During said dance competition Ritters got naked. His cock had a black ring around it. It was dried up blood, which explained the tampon in the shower.

We were absolutely hammered. Ritters started to black out on the couch at one point. This is the guy that warned JV and I that we had to hold back and keep our composure at La Esquina. For those who don't know, La Esquina is a very trendy, tough to get a reservation, underground Mexican restaurant.

Nine o'clock rolls around and we get dressed to head down to the restaurant. One problem. My shoes are missing. The loafers that I wore the previous night are nowhere to be found. The Cave is not a big place by any means. We tore the place apart. Nothing. How do you lose a pair of shoes that you're wearing? We're running late so out of desperation I throw on a pair of Ritters', which were two sizes too small.

We get down there. It looks like a shack from the outside. We walk in and the bouncer and host ask for our name and reservation time. We tell him and the bouncer opens a door. We step through and he closes it behind us. We walk down the stairs where there's a hostess. She asks our name and we tell her. She leads us through a kitchen filled with illegal Mexicans and to an almost dark room to our table.

We immediately order a round of margaritas. La Esquina is known for their margies, which are very potent. JV and Ritters are bickering a little bit and it's annoying me. I perked up as the hostess sat three smokeshows pretty close to us. I tame the two animals I'm with and point them out.

Soon our second round has arrived. Cucumber jalapeno flavor. It tasted like absolute ass water. The hot blonde from the girls that were just seated came over to ask what we were drinking. I told her and offered her a sip of mine. The three of us chatted with her briefly and I told her that her and her friends should join us. She ran over to her friends and after a few seconds they were collecting their purses and menus.

Besides the hot blonde, the group was made up of a gorgeous, Irish red head and a hot brunette Jew. We continued to pound margaritas and order rounds of 3 or 4 appetizers at a time. It was going well with the girls, but Ritters kept blacking out at the table. At one point he was out for a good 45 minutes. I'm talking out like Weekend At Bernie's out. But JV and I were juggling the three chicks very well. I had a good feeling about these broads.

The waitress must have reported us to upstairs. The doorman appeared at our table and crouched down. He warned Ritters that we would be asked to leave if he didn't wake up. I didn't take much stock in his threat because there was no way they were going to kick our tab out of the joint. Margaritas were a good $13 and we must've had 5 or 6 each. Nevertheless, Ritters regrouped and woke up.

So we wrapped up dinner and invited the girls to the bar which wasn't far from our table. I think each of us thought one of the other settled up the tab. We order a round of margaritas at the bar and someone tapped me on the shoulder. It was the doorman. He informed me that nobody paid our bill. I took it from him. It was $700. Now, I don't know how the fuck that happened. Either they tossed the broad's tab on ours or they just overcharged us because they new we were obliterated. The world may never know. I actually didn't remember how much the bill was until I found the receipt in my pocket the next morning.

So we hit a karaoke bar with the girls but it's closing as we walk in. We end up in another bar. I don't remember where or what it was called. I just remember dancing with the blonde girl. I don't which of us suggested it, but she and I snuck away from the rest of the group and headed back to her place. Oh, yes. The ridiculous hot streak I've been on is about to get hotter.

We get to her place and I vividly remember what happened next because it scared the shit out of me. We got to the front door of her building and the key wasn't working. I can't believe this is happening right now. All of my hard work I put in tonight was going down the drain. I could see it now. She'd have to crash at a friend's place or something, all because this dolt had the wrong key on her. I suggest that it's her and give it a try. I can't get it either. I just want to cry right now. She takes it from me and tries again. God was smiling on me, my friends. The lock clicks. We're in! I'm getting fucked after all.

Things got hazy again. I remember fucking her rawdawg. Not only that, but me being the rocket scientist that I am, figured that since she was having unprotected sex with me and never said anything regarding finishing, that I had the green light to cum inside her. We fucked all night. I can't remember how many times I blasted in her. At least three, maybe four times. I was so drunk I even 69'd with her! I never go down on randoms!

It's morning. I don't know where I am. The room is pitch black. I hear a girl talking on the phone in the living room.

I text JV and Ritters:

Where am I?

JV responds back immediately:

You tell me.

I open the bedroom door and venture to the bathroom. As I came out of the bathroom I looked around. This apartment was fucking ridiculous for Manhattan standards. It was huge and all decked out. I get out to the living room and the blonde is talking on the phone and drinking a mimosa. She hangs up and I join her. We sat on her couch and watched cartoons and went through two bottles of champagne. As we're chatting, she not only tells me about her job, but also about the business she owns. She invented and sells a garterbelt with a flask in it, primarily for bachelorette parties. The things sell for $50 a piece. Ridiculous.

Ritters calls me and asks where I am. I ask the blonde where I am and she tells me the address. I get off the phone and they start texting me to get here. I respond back:

Let me crank one more out in this broad and ill gen pgt

I lead her into the bedroom and fire off another blast inside of her. My dick is fucking raw at this point. I'm in agony. I get her number and head to JG Mellon's for burgers and bloody bulls with JV and Ritters.

As we sit at the bar, we are cranking out bloody bulls. They're going down like water. In case you've never had one, they're Bloody Mary's that have beef stock in them. We're bombed. The three of us are causing a scene. Most of the other patrons are enjoying the show but we are just out of control at this point. We get the check...$150. Geez.