The Mother Theresa of Hooking Up

So Saturday a bunch of us went to the Mets game. Started drinking at 10am, as I enjoyed a tallboy on the train. Went out before and after the game. I continued to smash beers all day like it was my job, and let's face it, it basically is.

When it came to both girls and booze, I was in the fucking zone all day. If you've ever seen one of those Axe commercials where all the broads on the planet are battling for one dude, you know what it was like for me yesterday.

But let's start with the point where I woke up in an apartment in Harlem next to an ocean of a woman. Broad shoulders, beefy thighs. Apparently she was a friend of the Robot. Bullet, the Croatian Sensation and I had met up with them downtown. The girl was on me instantly and we were making out within 15 minutes of meeting. This would normally be cool, but I have a tendency not to discriminate.

I really should be canonized for my charity work with the morbidly obese, buttery faced, Amazonian, canine, morally casual, pathetic and desperate. In other words, I'm basically the Mother Theresa of hookups. I'm one of the few who are willing to take in the lepers. I see things on a regular basis that most men would cringe at.

So somewhere between making out and waking up next to her, I ended up at this girl's apartment in the ghetto. I remember her starting to suck me off. It was solid but worried that too much of this and I wouldn't put on a good performance. Normally I wouldn't be concerned with this because I am the most selfish person on the planet but last time I hooked up with one of the Robot's friends, Picasso, she heard about a weak performance, which was really uncalled for because the second time I absolutely threw down.

So I ask her if she has any rubbers. She tells me we're not having sex. Then why the fuck am I here? So you can suck my penis and catch a mouth full of goo? Girls are so fucking stupid. Here I am, excited because I think I'm tacking up another victim to my filthy resume. I will never understand that. Does a girl think she's moral and going to Heaven because she put my penis in her mouth and she pumped? Would her father rather see my cock in her mouth or puss? I'm thinking puss, right? Getting face-pumped is so demoralizing yet girls continue to think they're better for only doing that. Whatever, I can go on about this topic forever but I won't.

So she's giving me the old roundmouth treatment but it's taking a while. Finally I blast. Good blast. Strong blast. Of course, as soon as the cum is done shooting from my urethra I have no desire to look at this girl next to me, or any girl for that matter. That's not the problem though. My problem is that I instantly have to urinate. I go into the bathroom but can't get it all out because I'm rocking the Mr. Softee, not quite hard but not quite limp. Now my penis burns. I've been in the bathroom for like twenty minutes at this point. I get back in the room and she wakes up. I have no excuse to give why I was in there so long because I thought she'd be asleep. I succumb to my instincts and tell her the truth and explain that I have pee pee stuck in my pee pee. So I get back in bed and pass out.

I wake up and I'm still next to this girl. As soon as I realize this I do what I always do first....take the girls hand and put it on my cock. She doesn't take the hint. I do it again. No dice. Third time's a charm. Strike three. I head to the bathroom because I have a raging woody and ponder jacking off. I decide that it's a good idea. I start jacking but I can't get off. It's taking forever.

I'm thinking maybe I need to relax. So I sit down on the can. But as soon as I do that a sudden urge to drop a giant dookie comes over my body. See I had taken like four Immodiums over the last 12 hours because I didn't want to poop in a Shea Stadium bathroom or at some dive in the city. So I've been walking around with two loaded weapons all day, cock and ass. So after I finish dropping this bomb I continue to beat myself.

Now I'm really drunk and tired at this point and really don't feel like cleaning up after a blast. Thinking on my toes, I grab the girl's fuzzy bathrobe that's hanging on the door. I shoot in the pocket. As I sit there, laughing to myself, I guess that this probably isn't the grossest or meanest thing I've done this week.

So I head back into her room feeling satisfied. I open the door and to my disgust, yes my worst nightmare, she's still fucking awake! Was she waiting for me? Did she think we were going to snuggle? Geez. It's fucking 6am, who the fuck wouldn't be asleep? She asks if I'm alright because I was probably in the bathroom for over an hour. Obviously I couldn't tell her that I was taking a long overdue shit and masturbating into the pocket of her cozy robe. I think on my toes and without hesitation tell her that I was throwing up. Technically that's not a lie, both my ass and dick threw up in there.

Girl: "Aw, are you okay? Do you want me to get you some water?"
Me: "No, I'm fine."
Girl: "No let me get you water."
Me: "No, really...I'm fine."
Girl: "Are you sure?"
Me: "Fine, but I'll just get it myself. Where's the kitchen?"
Girl: "Do you want me to make you some toast?'
Me: "Yeah ya know, that'd be great and can you give me some warm ginger ale too? What am I, fucking six years old?"

Girl laughs and tells me where the kitchen is. Now as soon as I blasted before I was thinking of a way out. Usually I just slither out as the girl sleeps but this one was stubborn and wouldn't sleep, I guess she just knew better. So as we're going through this bullshit about me needing water, I start picking up my clothes and putting them on. As I do this, I throw out the following statement to cover those tracks....

Me: "It's cold in here."

I'm brilliant. It probably never even crossed her mind that I was bailing on her. I get down the hallway to the kitchen with shirt, shoes and belt in hand. I run the water and frantically get dressed. I question if I should put my belt on there or wait until I get outside. I remember thinking I'd have plenty of time to put the belt on and get out in time before she comes to find me. All of the sudden I hear the squeak of a door opening. A sudden rush of fear covers me like a dark cloud. It's similar to that scene in Jurassic Park when they're sitting in the jeeps and here the loud footsteps. The glass of water is vibrating. The pounding gets closer and louder. Next thing I know T-Rex right in my grill. The girl must've realized what I was doing.

I tell her that I'm fine as I finish getting dressed. I pat down my pockets to check for all the essentials....keys, wallet, phone, balls......wallet? Fuck. I run down to her room to see if I dropped it on the floor. Jackpot, it's there. Now I'm sure she knows I'm going ghost like Swayze. She asks if I know where I am. I tell her I do. I don't. I pat her on the back and tell her, "I'll talk to ya". I won't.

I'm free.