Great picture right??? HAHAHA
OK…so today was a long day at work. A real long day at work – like 13 hours with the only highlight being the comfy car ride home (we get car service if we work after 9 which is door to door). Today was one of the four days a year I have to balance to the books for my department. This isn’t hard because Excel has become so advanced, monkeys can do accounting – its just fucking tedious and my monkey, Marv, is on vacation in the Swiss Alps. So as I sit here reading emails from today and sipping on a lovely single malt scotch that was a Christmas present, I am inspired to put up my first post about work. As its late, and I can’t sleep for some reason – my apologies for the language in advance…hahaha
I work in NYC at an advertising firm. NYC advertising firms are an interesting environment. You often see them portrayed in movies/TV like Mad Men (awesome) and the countless movies that have the main character as a marketer. Each TV show/film has their own interpretation of the typical advertising office. Since I am not a film director or TV producer (thank god the strike is over!), this blog is my only avenue to portray my vision of the NYC ad firm. Essentially I work in an alcohol fueled, sex-driven, high school that doubles as a highly respectable advertising firm. There is nothing wrong with this. I love my job, the place & the people, but am just saying that there is more than meets the eye (much like Transformers).
A high school you say DP? Yup. We have all the critical elements of a high school – sports teams, clicks, gossip, prom, spring fling, but with a lot more booze. Now you can easily say that all offices have this and some do, but not to the level of maturity we do.
Sports Teams
Like a High School - Football, Softball, Soccer, Volleyball, Running. Not a full high school varsity, but impressive with nice jerseys, practices, games and all that jazz.
Chaotic side – there is drinking before games, during games, and of course after games. I have spent many a summer evenings patrolling center field with a Guinness can in my hand. It tastes great, but running with it is tough, not to mention the 95-degree weather. And that’s only warm ups. Try drinking a beer perinning in that heat. Doesn’t sound fun, but think of it like an athletic event. And the bar after the game…oh boy. The only time you are ridiculed (including the game), for not bringing your best is the bar after the game. You take more than 2 flips during a 10 person/side flip cup game and you gone quicker than a high school girl and a box of Franzia (yes I know which boxed wines are the worst). Eat less than 15 wings and you are instantly a pussy and relegated to levels lower than the ugly intern. At the end of the night, and yes you must make it several hours, co-mingling with other player’s teams is encouraged. It’s almost like a forced marriage is some far eastern country. You can give them all the secrets about your lineup or steal signs, but say a word about your work and you are toast. You fail to score with a member from an opposite team a couple weeks in a row and you are riding the pine no matter how far you can hit a softball. ABC – Always Be Closing.
Clicks
Like a High School – We got them. Jocks (most of the people from above), Nerds, quiet kids, artsy/weird kids, overachievers, mean girls…
Chaotic side – clicks at work are so much more fun to watch. Not in a cool click at work? Nowhere near the problem of a high school clickless-existence. The true gem happens when you have turf wars – two clicks going against each other. It’s a cross between Office Space & Gangs of New York. Imagine this scenario – the nerds versus the mean girls. A nice guy from IT politely asks a tall, leggy blond from marketing is she wants to grab drinks after work. She laughs in his face – in the hallway – of the main lobby. And then its on – like Donkey Kong – in the Viet Cong. Warfare takes place at work where your income and livelihood are very dependent on your behavior. It is the ultimate practice of stealth. I don’t know why more marine covert ops soldiers aren’t recruited from our halls, but all the better. Turf wars are fun to watch, but if you are caught in one its fucking scary. The mean girls lack the normal creative side and launch a simple gossip and smear campaign trying to discredit the nerds. They don’t give a fuck because they own the company’s electronics. They can read your emails (yes – yours too!), check what websites you have been browsing (all that downloaded porn???), lock you out of things, and even send emails from you account. Next thing you know, your boss is wondering why you sent him a nasty email because he didn’t approve your $500 expense report for the “happy ending” when you took your client out to lunch – at a lovely Asian bistro….Fucking awesome.
Spring Fling/Prom
Like a high school – simple we have them except prom becomes a winter black tie party and spring fling is a summer party. Good times, all sponsored by the company.
Chaotic side – Alcohol. Need I say more??? You all understand. For the black tie event, the company lets everyone stop working at 2:00PM. The guys go to a bar or nearby apartment to get ready. This consists of 4 hours of drinking, bragging who they are going to slam that night (including the hottie from reception who has said hi to you everyday – what a naïve bastard!) and how no one will know. Yea – we are definitely going to get back to that one. The women go off and get their hair done, nails buffed, and all pieces of their body waxed – Brazilian wax ladies??? The sexes meet their dates prior to the party for a proper drink at a pre-determined cocktail party or bar choosing to have at least one drink while sober and speaking clearly to one another. On to the party – now this could be another post all together so I will keep it short. The party is basically a cycle of walking to the bar, stopping along the way to say hi to work colleagues, walking back, saying more hellos and then having to do it all together again. The smart ones pick a spot close to the bar, but don’t go crazy. You don’t want to be the first drunk one at the party. That guy/girl is always the first one talked about the next day not because they were drunk, but because they are a 4-beer-queer. The party gets more alcoholic and conversations get loaded with sexual innuendos. Steve in accounting is going to “run reports all over Jenny in HR”. Its fantastic. Party’s over and everyone heads to the after-party at a local bear. Lots of grinding and dancing. Debbie from accounting, who is quiet as a church mouse during the day, looks like she is going to show you the right way to do Dallas….except Dallas has become Mike from Marketing who has the biggest shit-eating grin ever. The night ends and everyone picks the closest available single member of the opposite sex to make a play at. Bad decisions are made all around and yet another company party is in the books. WAIT ITS NOT OVER! But, oh how I cherish the next morning. Everyone is hung-over and looks like shit, most people have found the common sense to make it home or at least shower and change clothes. There are a couple dumbasses/sluts who don’t change instead thinking if they tuck it all in and wet their hair no one will notice. EVERYONE NOTICES! When do you ever wear a tux to work on a Friday or decide a silver gown is ok for casual day? Even worse are those employees who decided to buy new clothes because they obviously didn’t sleep at home, but buy it out of the package with perfectly square packing wrinkles….The summer party is essentially the same, with less clothing and a whole lot of flashing. God bless strapless halter tops and morally casual women…your mother’s raised you just right.
Yea – we could make comparisons for hours, but who wants to read for hours. I am finally tired, having finished my scotch. I leave you with one bit of advice – morning staff meetings are always made better when you coffee of the Irish variety…
Brr…..beer.
No comments:
Post a Comment