Snow Day!

Well folks - its Tuesday and today I may stray from the normal drunken stories to offer commentary on a couple of things I thought of today. Snow. Yea - its snowing a lot right now. The weatherman/hot weather woman said it would be an inch or a dusting so I figured I would be fine when I was coming home from work tonight. I leave work, ride the subway and get on the bus no problems. I get off the bus and holy shit - its like 4 inches of snow and coming down like whoa - like Canadian snow (which falls harder and faster because its angry that in Canada where the only good things are hockey and beer). My nice leather shoes got wet, but it was kinda cool out. But this got me thinking of what you do when it snows.

When you are a kid, snow becomes a mystical force that brings with it snow days - the most holy and precious of unexpected days off. The night before a potential snow day you go to bed with the same excitement of Christmas Eve thinking that Mother Nature will dump some of the white stuff and school will be cancelled. You look out your window when you go to bed ever 5 minutes for snow, but nothing comes. You finally fall asleep, wake up, look out the window and BOOOO YAAAAA! There is a lot of snow, but is school cancelled?? You bolt down the stairs, hopping over dogs and Legos (at least thats what we had as kids) to greet Mom and Dad with such eagerness and hope. SCHOOL IS CANCELLED!. Snow day and its great. You build snow forts, sled, or if you are budding entrepreneur like me and my two brothers (Baseball Banker & CT Cracker) you shoveled driveways for money. When the day was over you came in for hot chocolate and TV. It was an awesome time.

When you are in college, snow days are as rare as good looking sophomore year virgins. Everyone lives on campus, thus it has to snow a hell of a lot for it to be cancelled. When God drops a shitload of snow on the campus, and the announcement of classes cancelled goes out via email, there is a mad dash - not for milk, bread or shovels, but to the nearest beer distributor to grab kegs. Its a dash to the distributor because they normally don't carry the required 75 kegs for a snow day...on a Tuesday morning and thus we have snow kegs. Snow kegs are f'ing awesome because everyone drops whatever they were doing and starts boozing. Libraries and classrooms empty out instantly. Everyone runs home to drop off whatever they have and run outside to play with the same excitement as little kids. Except this is adult playtime. If there is enough snow, the kegs are brought outside (a backyard, porch, or hell - even the front lawn) and packed up to the rim in snow, making them ice cold enough to be in a Coors Light commercial. Drinking starts as people don all kinds of hats, scarfs, gloves and ski attire. A couple hours in, snowball fights break out, and people start mattress sledding (which should easily be considered a sport, especially when you are riding a Sealy Posturepedic). Beer provides magic superpowers making all those who imbibe it immune to the subzero temperature and injuries from falling on ice. The one thing that will never happen is girls walking around in bikinis like in the Coors Light commercial. First off - its cold and girls don't want to be cold. Second - girls that hot only exist in commercials, not in real life. Snow kegs are truly excellent and I miss them very much, especially today.

In the pre-marriage, adult world, snow is not met with any real particular response. You wish for a day off from work, but don't really get your hopes up, instead choosing to leave early to avoid bad traffic. Horrible ugly boots are thrown on to compliment the same grey peacoat that everyone else has. Its just fucking uneventful and I have an idea to change that. Now this idea can only really apply to those who take public transportation to work (ie: NYC) because - surprise - it involves booze. And thus the idea:

Snow Sloshed Sluttiness (SSS)

It's 12:27 at work and snow is falling very heavily. You keep hitting the refresh button on your email, praying the higher ups have decided to pack it in and head home. They have already left to go home but send the email from their Blackberry. FINALLY! It comes and work is cancelled. In a normal world, you would get all geared up to brave the elements, head home, and curl up on the couch to watch movies all day. Blockbuster loves these days, but its time to man up. Hell - you aren't old yet. So instead you decide to embrace Snow Sloshed Sluttiness (SSS) which has 5 defining principles/steps:

- Go to a bar in walking distance
- Get drunk by any means possible (I recomend whiskey)
- Think you a drunk, get drunker just to make sure
- Find an attractive member of the opposite sex - make sure they are drunk
- Use bad pick up line, take said person home and go at it like rabbits

This may sound like your normal bar mating fance, but you must keep in mind one key fact. Work has been cancelled, most everything has been shut down as the city prepares to weather the storm. 95% of the storms are mild, but storms bring about a survival instinct somewhat similar to what you see in the movies like Armageddon, The Day After Tomorrow, Deep Impact, etc. Survival instinct is about food, clothing and procreation. You have food at the bar, clothing on your backs, and thus procreation is the only way to complete the trifecta. Procreation is easily facilitated by bars and alcohol. Thus the SSS theory plays on the drive towards procreation when a big snow storm hits. It easily puts everyone a six pack in and allows for so much moral casualness and 9 months from the snow storm produces some scandalous snow babies. My question is, why aren't you in a bar right now?

So next time you get hit by a snow storm, don't be old and go home hit the bar and be inappropriate. It what you must do to survive!

Brrr.....Beer....Brrr (its extra cold today)