Thank God for PSEG Bills...

Thank god for PSEG. That's right - I am thanking the electric company (and whatever else they provide). This may not be the best story to tell, but at some point people reading this were bound to find out about my somewhat questionable actions when alcohol is involved. Some days its funny, actually very funny.

About 3-4 months ago (thats as detailed on timing as I can get) it was the fall and I was in the middle of a lovely couple of weeks of going out. My roommate, Tuna Titan was quick to point out it was because of the shirts I was wearing out. Anytime I wore a striped/checkered shirt the night would go fantastically either in the female arena or just plain drunken debauchery. It was like I had super powers. No matter what I did, how much I drank, or where I went women found me attractive. It was absolutely fantastic. One such night stands out...

It was a Saturday night and I decided to stay in town instead of venturing into NYC. It was the kind of Saturday night where you plan to go out, but don't make specific plans with anyone besides your roommate and one or two friends. Tuna Titan and I were going to do a little pre-game drinking and then head to the bar around the corner, which is great because it is an Irish bar thats huge and most of all has Buck Hunter. Buck Hunter has to be, by far, the greatest bar video game. You are drinking and then you get to pretend you are hunting. You need to be accurate with the gun, but you are also drinking. Most of all drunk men feel even more manly when they get to pretend hunt.

So there I am pounding back a mixture of random shots and Guinness having a blast when everyone and their Mom shows up. Everyone that lived nearby wound up at the same bar. Local friends. High School friends. College friends. This night went from normal to potential legendaryness as shot after shot was thrown back. Next thing I know its 1:00AM and everyone is getting good and sloshed (the normal British word for drunk which I think we should use more often here).

Enter "Short & Angry" (SA). The best way to describe her is the opening dialogue when I first saw her in the bar:

SA: Hey
DP: Hey, what's up (No I wasn't slurring just yet, but it was awfully close)
SA: You don't remember me do you?
DP: Of course I do. We were at [insert college here] together all four years
SA: OK, but you always looked down on me!
DP: Looked down on you??? Did you know me in college? I couldn't look down on anyone if I tried. However, I do look down on you now because I am tall and you are way shorter. So yes, I do look down on you unless you get stilts.

[Short & Angry storms off]

I proceed to continue drinking, playing Buck Hunter, and having just a grand old time till Short & Angry comes up to me about 45 minutes later. I am so drunk that I am playing Buck Hunter, but have turned around and am attempting to shoot people on the dance floor instead of the screen. Short & Angry and I talk for a couple minutes. I don't remember any of this, but it seems like I may have been charming because I do remember this:

DP: mrmrmrm....drunk.drunk.drunk (I don't know what I was saying)
SA: I am going to take you home and fuck your brains out.
DP [open jaw]: Check please!

I turn to the closest reliable friend to make sure this girl is at least moderately attractive. If not, thats why God invented light switches and I can just deal with it...

The rest of the night is blurred and comes in 45 second bursts/flashes of memory, which to this day, I still can't remember. I remember being walked back to SA's apartment needing to hold her hand to stand up. I remember her apartment and her bedroom. I am pretty sure she was wearing some kind of pink undergarment (boy shorts I thought). I remember seeing her girlfriend a lot too because they had different color hair. The rest of the night is lost forever to me, but the hilarity was the next morning.

Now you are thinking - Drunken Polar Bear, did you win the belt and achieve the unachievable (threesome?). I am going to say 95% no, but there is a 5% chance. If I had conclusive proof (pictures, video, etc) I would be shouting on the mountains of my conquest, but I had no idea. In a good bet, I probably passed out into an alcohol induced blackout. However, when I woke up the next morning at 6 AM, Short & Angry was in the bed next to me and her friend was sleeping on an air mattress at the base of her bed. I looked around, having no idea where I was and went back to sleep figuring it was a dream.

8:30AM roles around and my phone alarm goes off. I role over to turn it off and realize I am not in my room. I don't have 14 pillows of all pastel colors. My bed is not this comfortable and my room never smells this nice. Everyone has gone through this before at some point. You wake up and have no fucking clue where you are, like not even an iota or an ability to guess. I was a little frantic, but mostly hung-over and hungry. Was I close to a Dunkin Donuts? A Sausage Egg and Cheese would be great right now but first I have to get out of here. After about 5 minutes of looking around the room for pictures (my vision was still to blurry to recognize faces), I remember I went out last night, had a lot to drink and most likely went home with a young lady.

Now I am going all Bourne Ultimatum. I have woke up in a strange place and don't know what happened. Fortunately for me, and unlike Jason Bourne, I know my own name and haven't had two bullets pulled from me by a rusty Mediterranean ship captain. I start thinking of ways to figure out what happened and more importantly with who it happened. Nothing is coming to my mind and I am thinking about how quickly I can run to the door to get out of this apartment. Just when I think all hope is lost, I roll over in bed and hear a crinkle. Like the rustling of a paper bill. I am confused and hoping a note isn't stapled to my chest saying one of my kidneys has been taken and to call 911 (well we know they wouldn't take my liver). Thankfully there is no note stapled to my chest and it is just a bill. WAIT! A BILL! Bills have names and addresses - two essential pieces to get me home. I look at the bill and it is a PSEG bill. Name - check. Address - check (bonus points because I was still less than a mile from my apartment). Feeling relieved, I wonder how I could be sleeping on a PSEG bill and what the hell happened last night.

Finally, I get up and look for my clothes (as I am only in my camouflage boxers). Figuring things might have started a bit crazy before I blacked out, my clothes are probably spread all over the room. Not the case. My shoes/socks were lined up perfectly at the base of the bed, and my jeans, t-shirt, and dress shirt were folded nicely in a pile on the dresser along with keys, wallet and money. Did I sleep with a housekeeper or a soccer mom????

I walk out to the living room to find Short & Angry and hot friend having fallen asleep watching a taped episode of Grey's Anatomy. They wake up as I approach them on the couch:

SA: You're awake.
DP: Yup
SA: Ok
DP: I am going to run.
DP: Bye

That was it. The most awkward morning ever, made even more awkward by her friend just aimlessly staring at me. I walked out and did get some Dunkin Donuts for breakfast. I got home in one piece and its all thanks to the wonderful people at PSEG.

Brrr...beer.