What Flavor of Valentine's Day Are You?

A Drunken Polar Bear first – blogging from work. Not too risky if you are sitting at your desk, cubicle or tucked away in an office. Maybe less risky if you are in a meeting/conference room pretending to reply to emails on your laptop. But that would be too safe for the drunken polar bear. I am sitting at one of the coffee bars we have at work. Yes – we have coffee bars, and this particular one is equipped with two fancy Swiss super coffee machines that rival the Starbucks selling capabilities. What’s even better about this particular post is that I am furiously typing on a memo template so it looks like I am deep in the throws of an important argument. Little do they know…

(I was initially planning on writing a blog about my love of country music especially because I finally got the new (or somewhat new) Dierks Bentley album and it is amazing with two songs that are some of the best I have heard in years. However, in the spirit of Valentine’s day why not write of the lovely single’s awareness holiday.)

But why Drunken Polar Bear would you dare to sit in a public space while writing a post. One reason – Valentine’s grams. Yea – like the kind you bought and sent in grammar school. We are selling them at work, proving even further my previous post – I work in a high school. I am selling them as party of a charity thing we are doing here at work to raise money for heart health. Yes – every now and then I am altruistic and want to promote good health and raise money for charity. Plus it makes me look real good.

So having Valentine grams at work adds a completely whole new aspect to Valentine’s Day because maybe some work crushes or scandals will be revealed. Even better is that I get to deliver some of them and uncover some really good gossip. Gossip is always fun in any company, but here at my job it is like cigarettes in prison. Like the Marlboro Red’s that 8-finger’s Eddie still can’t managed to sneak into the joint despite greasing 5 guards and a truck driver. Gossip opens doors and get stuff done. You know some good gossip you can easily trade it for favors from other departments. And in advertising favors are huge. Last minute deadlines for ads or commercials spots? Need people to stay late to finish a project? Call in the favors. Want to talk to one of the partners – all they want to hear about is the gossip. Gossip makes the world go round. And a quick point of clarification – I am not talking about the kind of gossip where Mike has a crush on Ann. I am talking about Mike having an affair with Ann who is married, yet Mike is also going at it with the new receptionist, Tammy. This is the good stuff. When I deliver all these Valentine’s Grams I will be the “richest” guy at work and everyone will owe me favors to want to hear the gossip or keep their latest indiscretions quiet. But enough about work – I did that thing yesterday.

Valentine’s day is like Neapolitan ice cream (you know the kind with vanilla, chocolate & strawberry flavors – you used to probably eat it a lot as a kid). Another radical/weird/fun analogy DP? How are you going to pull this one off – just keep reading:

Valentine’s Day – Strawberry Flavor
Strawberry is the sweetest of the three flavors. It is also a pinkest and some people might call this the cutest. Strawberry flavor Valentine’s day is for all those lovers out there. You have a boyfriend/girlfriend, fiancé or spouse AND you are looking forward to showing your love to them by getting gifts, taking them to dinner and being romantic. You are the people Hallmark targets when they make all the cards and those dancing animals (who are pretty funny this year). Restaurants and florists bank on you to rake in the big bucks after an abysmal January. The extreme lovers out there may even propose marriage or profess undying love in the form of lots of gold/diamonds or whisk their lovers away to exotic locales. Most likely you will make you co-workers jealous both Valentine’s day and the day after because they will hear of the grandiose plans you have. Also they secretly know you are going to have some great V-day sex that night that is 100% guaranteed and to be top 5 sex of the year. Everyone has had at least one strawberry flavor V-Day (including myself). Most often it is in the first years of a relationship or in your teens when puppy love attacks you like a virus.

Valentine’s Day – Vanilla Flavor
Vanilla is the most common, most chosen of the three flavors. It is a default flavor and everyone can fall back on. It is still sweet, but the blandest of the ice cream flavors. Vanilla flavored V-Day is much the same. It is the most common V-Day experience for the masses. You have a significant other, but it has been for a while so V-Day has lost is luster and excitement. As V-Day approaches, you know what to do because you are a seasoned pro. You run through your personal checklist:

Dinner reservations someplace classy – check
Card, Flower & Chocolate – check
Gift that shows a modicum of thought – check

Well you are all done then. Sit back and watch some TV or read a magazine. You have done everything that is minimally required for V-Day. Like the strawberry flavored individual, you too have a 100% guarantee of sex, but this sex will only be slightly more exciting that your normal weekly coitus. Some lingerie or candles might be involved, but it won’t go beyond that. Overall, V-Day is just another stop on the holiday train for you. Next stop – St. Patrick’s Day! Chooo Chooo!!

Valentine’s Day – Chocolate Flavor
Ah – the last of the boldest of the three flavors. Some say chocolate is for lovers. I say it is for the lovers of life, love, and randomness. Chocolate flavored V-day is for all those without an official valentine. You may not be serious yet with the bf/gf or may just be rocking the bachelor/bachelorette lifestyle. However you slice it, V-day is different for you and unlike the previous two flavors, your V-day experience can take on all shapes and sizes. Some people choose to ignore it and treat it like any other day doing their normal 9-5 shuffle. Other’s express their resentment for not having a valentine by grouping up and heading out to a restaurant or bar to proclaim they don’t need a man/women to make them happen (this is most often the chosen action for groups of women as they dub it a “girl’s night”). Finally, there are those devilish people who acknowledge V-day is single’s awareness day and flock to the bars in mass number plotting to seduce and prey on those weak, innocent, lonely valentine-less (this is almost entirely the case for men). From what I have seen, V-day is right up there with picking up single women at weddings. It’s just too easy and the results are almost entirely bad. I would issue a warning to women, but it won’t do any good – V-day’s powers are just too strong. Overall, the chocolate flavor V-day group has the cheapest, most independent V-day BUT it can also be the most risky.

Well that’s it – the three flavors of V-day according the Drunken Polar Bear. I have sold many Valentine’s grams sitting at this coffee bar so now it’s back to do some actually work, but first one question I know is on all your minds:

“Drunken Polar Bear – what flavor are you this V-Day?”
“Mint-Chocolate Chip with Resses Pieces blended in” – HAHAHAHA

Brrrr…..Beer