12 Drunken Hours

4 liters of water, 8 aspirin, 1 sandwich, & half a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch. That was my diet yesterday because my body was so physically destroyed from 12 hours of binge drinking…and maybe some other stuff

Alcoholism - A disease in which a person craves alcohol, is unable to limit his or her drinking, needs to drink greater amounts to get the same effect, and has withdrawal symptoms after stopping alcohol use. Alcoholism affects physical and mental health, and causes problems with family, friends and work.

Hahaha – by that definition everyone I drank with Saturday is an alcoholic. Who do these fancy medical folks think they are. And “causes problems with family, friends and work”??? Well see how my Saturday went and you can see I was probably the most amusing person in town.

Note: I am not correcting any spelling or filtering any of this story although, by my count, I committed at least 5 crimes.

Friday night: On my way home from work I decided to stop and grab a six-pack from the grocery store. It was after 7 so I didn’t think it would be that crowded. Holy crap was I wrong. It was like it was the end of the world and beer and alcohol were the only currency. The lines were so long and people didn’t just buy a six-pack and a bottle of whiskey. This was like bulk alcohol buying. Five 30 packs was not out of the question. Walking through the parking lot, I saw 4 guys load up their entire trunk (to the brim) with beer and Jack Daniels. This is going to be a good weekend.

12:30AM: I am about to go to bed, but am too excited to sleep. Its like Christmas eve….oh boy oh boy.

8:30AM: Awake and excited. It snowed last night, but that’s all gone. Time to eat a bagel for the debauchery begins.

9:09AM: And it starts…..having my first black and tan watching some cartoons. Sweet nectar of the Gods – whoever discovered this should be given a Nobel Prize.

11:14AM: Just did jello shot on top of a double jameson big irish coffee and a pint of guinness. Its early and i already know i will be drunk by one in the afternoon. Already i am thinking what girls would be morally casual oh yea I am going to be creepy today

11:48AM: About to do a car bomb which will officially make me drunk before noon. Fantastic. I love being irish and irish girls and everything bagels with butter….

1:00PM: Fully drunk now and making an ass of myself but the women here seem to find my idiocy amusing for some reason awesomeness is in my grasp – more booze is needed

1:15PM: I am officially drunk and am playing kings with fuckin Candy Land cards – that girl from candy land is hottttt - i wish she was real - that would be sweet - ahaha i made a pun

1:17PM: Girls yes plural think i am attractive for some reason oh my and booo yah

1:54PM: Where is that girl from beforree? She thought i was cute because I was givin away beeads

2:02PM: Def drunk and where the fuck did everyone go and where are the ladiea

3:22PM: Drunk drunk drunk drunk (on my way to a 2-kegger)

3:23PM: and hungry – I want an omlettte with snickers

NOTE: This is about the point when I got hammered and proceeded to try and pick up a girl and her sister at the same time. I thought it was going smoothly - not so as I work 15 feet from this girl and she recoutned it on Monday morning by asking if I remember what her sister looked like. The next few hours are shaky and there are no text messages, but through eyewitness accounts I know:

I met some girl named Mary
There are 3 new numbers in my phone
I had to erase my text message in-box so god knows what was in there
I played a drinking game where I was the guy drinking as much as possible
I made friends with a small old man in Dunkin Donuts because I bought him a bagel and coffee. He talked about life, I mumbled to myself about beer and cartoons

The text messages pick up again

7:11PM: Whjoa boy

7:13PM: Granyted i have missewd many emails but roick on

8:29PM: Pizzzzzzzzzzza whereee are u

That’s where the text messages stop, but Tuna Titan filled me in on the rest of the night. He videotaped my bouncing around the apartment from 10-11ish. If that tape every gets out, I can never run for any public office but it was fucking hilarious to watch the next morning because on the tape:

-I admit to being drunk and herbally intoxicated (I can go no further on that one) every 45 seconds
-I proceeded to curse at the TV, Tuna Titan (multiple times), the people across the street having a party, the Harp in my fridge, the lack of milk for cereal, and George Carlin
-I put on my customized Ranger’s Hockey jersey and running shorts
-I spilled a 1.5 liter bottle of water
-I threw my keys at a laptop computer
-I dance around the apartment like a jackass like a drunk monkey
-I air high-five the hallway
-And best of all, I try for 2 hours to eat Ellios pizza with the motor skills of a drunk chimpanzee – in no way succeeding to get the paper towels off the bottom of the pizza and dejectedly stop eating it

11:30AM: asleep on the couch

4:00AM: get up to go to bed. Two girls are sleeping in my bed. Tuna Titan leaves a note on the door to leave them alone. I go back to sleep on the couch

8:30AM Sunday: I awake forgetting most of what happened after 5:00PM and feel as nauseating wave rush over me ever time I move.

4:30PM Sunday: 8 hours later I get up off the couch

Needless to say, most people would regret drinking this much. I don’t and will be drinking in a similar manner in 2 weeks at another parade. I probably won’t drink enough to kill a family of squirrels, but I now know what my daytime drinking limit is….

Brrr…beer