I am breaking my personal record with three posts today. I just can’t help it. I wrote about the walk of shame and feel so obligated to my readers to provide a story of my most famous walk of shame. Get ready for this one…
So its winter 2006, and it’s time for the annual company holiday which is a black tie event. I throw on my tux and instantly visions of 007 Bond fill my head – I will save that for another day. Holiday party goes well and my tux has done its work – a girl finds me attractive. My attractiveness is some combination of booze, a tuxedo, and the chocolate fountain this place had. Well after the after party at a bar, I receive the golden invite back to the nice young lady’s apartment. I feel like I have just got the last “golden ticket” to go see the Willy Wonka factory. We hop in a lovely NYC cab and on the way back to her place.
Now the real fun starts. So we get back to her place and we….now what kind of person do you think I am? Do you think I would really recount the exploits of this wonderful holiday night and tarnish the image of this lovely girl? Well from what you have read, if any, this might seem like the obvious next step in the story, but I am going to skip it. Lets just say we “watched a movie”, but not the entire feature film.
So time comes for me to leave (I of course get my pants), but oh shit I am in NYC, in a tux, its 7AM and I have to be at work in 2 hours. Can I go to work like this? Dress clothes from the day before is one thing, but there is no way I am pulling off wearing a tuxedo to work on a casual Friday. I gotta get home, but this requires quite a hike and crossing state lines. So I get up, throw on all my clothes and say fuck it, I am not embarrassed, and still look good in a tux so I can go home like this. Now keep in mind I am in a full tuxedo, with the tie hanging around my neck and an ear to ear grin on my face, ready to make a 3 leg journey home:
1st leg – 2.5 block walk to the PATH passing people on their way to get morning coffee, the paper or early birds on their way to work. I get a couple glances, but I am walking a good pace so I don’t notice much.
2nd leg – The longest. A 30 minute ride across(under) the Hudson to get home. Now I am making the reverse commute so the train isn’t packed, but there are still a lot of people on their way to work and there I am sitting on the train in a somewhat wrinkled tux, neck hanging from my neck, smile on face and smelling like expensive single malt scotch. I am in all my glory and even get a nod and a couple smirks from the guys on the train because they knew I was on my way home. Now I didn’t get an evil eye, but there were definitely some disapproving stares from the women on the train.
3rd leg – The hilarious part. Exit the train into a station full of young professionals on their way to work. I am in full stride and still with a beaming smile. I got ass last night and they are all on their way to work so I am clearly in the advantage here. Every third person does a double take as a I stream by them with one resolute goal on my mind – not to make it to work, but to make it Dunkin Donuts for breakfast. I have earned it and normally don’t indulge in the Double D (Dunkin Donuts) for breakfast – tis the season. Still in full stride I blow through the doors and get in line. My sausage egg & cheese on an everything bagel is only 3 people away. I get to the counter, place my order, pay and as I am getting my change back the 50-year old Indian man working the counter says – “Had a good night kid?” – yes sir I did. Most people in a walk of shame would grab their breakfast to go. I sat there eating my sandwich and savoring my coffee because it was tasty. There were many more looks, but I was getting used it now, and I don’t blame them. I was in a full tuxedo at 7:45AM in a Dunkin Donuts. Unfortunately, the 1 mile walk home was uneventful, but it was one hell of a walk of shame. More of a walk of black tie style.
That picture is of Miranda Kerr again - I won't say the walk of shame was home from her apartment, but the girl slightly resembles her...
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