Again, it has been a long while since I have written. Creativity has once again eluded me like Road Runner and Wiley E. Coyote cartoons. I just can’t find either. Then I got to thinking and figured why not just write about myself and the wonderful bachelor lifestyle. Inflating my ego can’t hurt. Now I know you are thinking the same thing I am. DP, can one entry really sum up the fantabulous lifestyle you live? No – and thus we have the wondrous and magnanimous (yea I got a word of the day calendar) birth of “The Bachelor Series” – your front row ticket to the seedy underbelly of a northeastern bachelor…buckle up and get ready to be offended in every imaginable way. First stop on this tour – food. Really, I am going to attempt to write a whole post about food because I had a good dinner tonight.
Everyone eats. America more than anyone else as is evident by all the show on TV in which losing weight has become a contest. But as a bachelor you follow a completely different and obscure diet. The food pyramid you learned in grammar school is as useless as tits on a bull (I love that expression). I don’t have any cool graphics for my food system because I am lazy and can’t draw so you will have to use your imagination when I describe…..drum roll please…the “6 pack of bachelorhood eats”
#1 – Beer
Come on. Were you really surprised that this was the first group? Beer not only provides essential carbohydrates but also supplies the body with alcohol – a heart healthy compound that also serves to relax you after those long days or weeks at work. Even more – beer comes in a variety of flavors – pilsner, stout, lager, ale, white, etc and lots of brands.
Note: Beer also serves as a hallucinogen when drank is mass quantities making ugly women seem attractive and causing bad decisions.
#2 – Take Out
Ahhh yes – where else can you eat quesadillas, General Tso’s chicken, and a milkshake for dinner? You can’t in one place and thus God’s wonderful creation of take out. In any robust city you will be able to sample a veritable United Nations of culinary options on any given night. Pro bachelors not only know how to order from multiple restaurants to assemble one meal and have an account with delivery.com, but they know how to time multiple orders to be picked up on the way home – for less than $10!!
#3 – Bagels/Sandwiches
Everyone eats bagels and sandwiches, but only bachelors take eating them to a new level. Selection of your bagel place is a very delicate process and given more consideration than pregnant women give when choosing what MD will deliver your bagel. The perfect bagel place must be in walking vicinity, have good food, good service, a hot counter girl and an old man who will memorize your funky sandwich order after only a few visits. And because he knows how to make what your dub (in my case) the “turkey tornado” (pepper turkey, American cheese, mayo, Boar’s hear honey mustard on a fresh everything bagel) he gets your repeat business.
#4 – Meat
Who says that having a T-Bone with a side of chicken wings is bad for you? Protein builds muscles and after the three bagels you had for breakfast you don’t need anymore carbs. However as a bachelor, your meat choices when not eating out are limited to the following; red meat, chicken, sausage, and whatever is in my chili. When you maturity and age have taken over you will learn the differences among the different kind of red meats, but for now if it bleeds you will eat it.
#5 – Cereal/Granola Bars/Fruit/Any other healthy shit
Now and then, after you have downed a half-pound cheeseburger drenched in BBQ sauce with seasoned fries and 3 lagers, you feel a modicum of guilt about what you just ate. In these cases bachelors eat whatever is deemed “healthy” in their apartment. “Healthy” can be anything from Resse’s Puffs to Chewy bars to milkshakes to actual real fruit. If it has something that is remotely healthy than it makes you feel better about the 5000 calories your lunch entailed. This unnatural common senses usually lasts all of a couple hours until a roommate/friend decides to order out for pizza or wings. As a bachelor, you don’t really have to worry about all that cholesterol nonsense just yet. Hell most bachelors can still eat like crap and exercise most of it away. It’s a gift that is eventually stolen away along with one’s youth and alcohol tolerance.
#6 – Drunken, Post-Bar Food
Alas my favorite category and thus saved for last. Bachelors know how to party and drink obviously, but they are the finest connoisseurs in the inebriated-fueled culinary arts. Post-bar food selection normally encompasses pizza, McDonalds or a dinner. However, the real superstars in the bachelor category have honed their drunken food selection to include such rare gems as late night Mexican burritos, all-night bagel places and the Holy Grail of post-bar food – Johnny Rockets. Drunken Post-bar food is bad for you 99% of the time and you always regret eating it the next morning (especially when you taste the Rodeo burger you had at 4 AM), but food will never ever taste so good – except when you are eating it off the chiseled abs of a Brazilian supermodel.
Next up in the bachelor lifestyle – dressing for success with as little effort as possible…
Brrr….Beer
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