5-year Post-College Plan

So I have again fallen behind on the blogging. Blame school, work, and mostly laziness. Well another great idea came on the bus today. I am going to hit my second parade of the St. Pats season this weekend in the lovely town of my alma mater which had me reflecting on my post-collegiate lifestyle – and by lifestyle I mean the major adjustments I had to make to actually be a member of the adult-working world. So lets all go for a ride on (get ready for another theory) the 5-year post-college plan

Graduation – 1 year
That’s right you’ve graduated. Maybe 4 years. Possibly 5. 6 – way to be a dumbass. Either way you are not allowed at school anymore for fear of being that creepy guy. If you are smart you take the summer off to travel, blow some graduation money or just bum around and drink. Those really ambitious graduates get these magical things called jobs, where you get money for going to an office all dressed up and play on the Internet all day. The nerdy ones decide that they love school so much they want to go to graduate school where all classes are at night – why????
Flip flops, jeans, t-shirts and your favorite baseball hat are still your “uniform”, but you have grown up and will not wear flip flops unless its 40 degrees of higher – very mature. Thursday, Friday Saturday and Sunday-Funday drinking are still the normal behavior, but you learn that beer costs money in bars and keg parties are few and far between. You go back to school every 6 weeks to relive the glory days and are not yet considered creepy.

1 year – 2 years
All nine planets have aligned and by some magnificent act of Thor (the might God of drinking) you are still employed and possibly the recipient of a bonus, raise or promotion. Some of your colleagues at work actually take you seriously because they don’t know what you do on the weekend. Your apartment has grown into adulthood with the addition of pictures on the wall and the occasional cleaning. The fridge space is half alcohol and half real food – some big steps.
You only drink three days a week and have some methods for dealing with hangovers at work. Binge drinking still occurs once or twice a week and you are still able to rebound from 90% of your hangovers. You hit up your old college 4-6 times, but no more than that. Hey – you actually own a suit that fits??? Holy crap. Flip flop level is now 50 degrees or higher.

2 years – 3 years
Routines are starting to dominate your life and you hold a steady job (maybe your 2nd though). Your are probably on your second apartment which has modern adult-like amenities such as a dishwasher and cabinets. Maybe even a kitchen table – but that may be a stretch. You are slowly starting to master this whole cooking thing, but you are still a master of the take out order – probably having discovered just when you have to order dinner to pick it up on your way home without breaking stride.
Your drinking days still number about 3 a week, but binge drinking isn’t so common anymore. Your start drinking the fancy drinks of those Madison Avenue snobs like Gin & Tonic or imported beer. Astonishingly you discover that wine is made by more than Pinto Grigio and Yellow Tail. Must be fancy French wine. You are the master of the Friday morning work hangover, knowing just what to do before bed and what breakfast to order so you don’t seem like a lush in front of the boss all the while laughing at the “kids” at work who just graduated and wreak of booze and cheap sex. Lounges slowly gain popularity as a Saturday night destination. College visits are rare – maybe 1-3 a year.

3 years – 4 years
WHHHAAT??? You are actually having discussions centered around politics, when you want to “buy” an apartment, and your 401K? Get the fuck out of here – you sound like my parents. Your living situation has vastly improved because you now have a parking space and are a regular at the local deli/coffee shop & gym because you are there every morning after the gym at 7? Damn you are getting up early. That’s ok – you go to bed at 10:00PM, eliminating all good TV programming from your life. You are probably in a “relationship” – one whose foundation isn’t from a kegger at your friend’s basement. You even have couple’s night – but don’t worry, you aren’t at “board game night” level just yet – but be careful Grandpa.
Binge drinking is all but gone from your weekly activities. However, you do go full force for St. Pats, Cino de Mayo and any other excuse to act like a college kid again. Don’t worry you haven’t regressed – its just some residual immaturity left over from college. Pubs and packed bars are juvenile to you and paying $9 for a flavored martini is classy. You will only go up to college for some networking or reunion type thing. Oh don’t worry – I didn’t forget about flip flops. They come out in the summer, but are no longer the staple choice for casual footwear.

4 years – 5 years
Why even bother at this point. If you haven’t bought an apartment/house you are definitely thinking about it. Hell, engagement or marriage is no longer something that is talked about abstractly. You ready for the “marriage circuit” in which you will attend 17 weddings in 4 years, and be a best man (1-2), in the wedding (3-4) and just a drunk attendee (the rest). You get lots of sleep, eat regular cooked meals and have some real responsibility at work – you may even manage someone! If you are a stand-up person, you mentor someone about the Friday morning hangover remedy. You can safely call yourself an adult and nobody laughs.
Drinking? What’s that? You don’t drink. You have cocktails and occasionally have one two many (which in your case in 4). Your tolerance drops to that of a high school sophomore. The plus side of this is that you are a cheap date, but dangerously close to being that drunk guy at the holidays and work functions if you have that extra martini. You only go to bars that have seats for everyone and collared shirts are the norm. College has become a distant memory – essentially as far away as 8th grade. Flip-flops (no I didn’t forget about them) are reserved only for the beach or “themed” BBQ’s which are lame but the only way adults can find excitement.

CONGRATS! – You are now an adult.

Disclaimer – this schedule/model doesn’t apply to everyone, but I am saying it applies to most people and I am the one writing this blog so I win but of course feel free to get drunk to disprove my theories.

Brrr…..Beer (yes I still drink beer)