Walk of Shame or Pride?

Because I have been such a slacker, I am going to make this the first double post day in a while, and this one may just get your attention. We already covered one-night stands, but I would be remiss if I didn’t rant about the glorious walk of shame, the bastard step child of the one-night stand. Whether it’s a college hook up or good old American one night stand everyone has done the walk of shame. More intricate versions of the walk of shame include taxi rides, calling friends to pick you up or various forms of public transportation. For the purpose of this intricate art of bullshitting I call blogging, let’s use a typical Friday night at the college of your choice as the example as we examine the precursors, causes and effects of the walk of shame from both the male and female perspective. You may see a difference here between how a guy and girl treat the walk of shame:

Friday Pre Game
Guy: Drink with other guys while playing video games or watching a guy movie planning what girl(s) you are going to try and conquer tonight
Girl: Spend 1 hour getting ready while going through multiple outfits and have boxed wine

Friday Party
Guy: Drinks a lot really quick to get drunk and have courage to talk to young co-eds, finds a nice young lady who actually thinks he is charming when he is drinking. Girl may be drunk, but she invites him back to her dorm room to “watch a movie”. Guy gets nods of approval from group.
Girl: Drinks at a steady, marathon-like place, moving at regular intervals from tipsy to buzzed to drunk. Finally, the alcohol gives them licenses to accept the advances of a certain guy at the party. They also accept an invite to “go watch a movie” in the guy’s room.

Friday Late Night
Need I elaborate on this – come one we are all adults. If you didn’t know, “watching a movie” is the most obvious code for hooking up or baby-making. It happens in dorm rooms all across American and its probably happening as you read this post – God Bless College.

And now for the good part…

Saturday Morning (assuming you weren’t class and stuck around for breakfast)
Girl: Find your heels. You wore heels out last night as part of your classy outfit, but they easily get tossed in the shuffle of “watching a movie”. Poke the guy who you went home with last night and who is still in his bed. If you get a grunt, that is probably the best goodbye you are going to get – so take that as a positive note that you so ravaged the guy that he is exhausted. Start the walk home through the quad or down the street back to your dorm. Your head is down in an equal mixture of shame and the fact that your makeup went buckwild and migrated around your face. You don’t look up at any people passing by and will even go so far as the walk 4 blocks out of the way to avoid Jen from your Chem lecture. There is no way you are going to pass ofd the outfit you have on now as something you put on this morning, so you walk with the acceleration of an Olympic speedwalker. You hit your dorm doors and have made it through campus without running into any early morning tours or friends. You sneak down the hallway to get to you room. Half the hallway to go…6 doors….3 doors…. “Hi Becky, that outfit looked great on you LAST NIGHT!” You have been caught and oh the rumor mill is put in motion

Guy: Find your pants. Pants are important no matter if you are making pancakes or raking leaves. Get up, say goodbye to girl who found you drunkenly attractive. Time to get home and walk through the quad, down the street or however you get home. Unlike the girl, this is no walk of shame – this is a walk of pride. Your head is held higher than if you graduated with high honors from Harvard. You just got ass last night – no one questions the quality (looks) of the girl – you got ass nonetheless my friend. There is no shame in this walk, only strutting. You have an extra bounce in your step and most likely a smile on your face. You see other guys on their walk home and nods are exchanges and even high fives. Your clothes even appear as if they are fresh because guys always dress like slobs. This glorious night may even inspire you to go eat breakfast on a weekend in the caf (which despite popular opinion, does serve a meal before brunch on the weekend).

Thus we conclude the glorious comparison of the walk of shame. It happens everywhere and at all ages and to various degrees. My sophomore year of college I had a house on the main drag at school and had to be up early (9AM) to go to practice on the weekends and was witness to this ritual on a weekly basis. Fantastic.

Brrr…..Beer