Because I am still recovering from the alcohol induced/blackout weekend I have tapped into some outsiders to help with this next post. Older brother, aka Baseball Banker has agreed to interview me. I don’t know how this one will go, but I am bored and you are reading this, so you are too…
Who would win in a fight, a drunken polar bear of a rabid raccoon?
Fact – polar bears have a top sprinting speed of 25mph over short distances. However, rabid raccoons are fucking crazy. I once opened up a garbage can as a kid and a nutbag raccoon came flying at me. I threw a brick at is tale and it ran away. So therefore – I think I would win.
If you were marooned on an island can you please tell me the: (excellent use of the word marooned – a favorite of Bugs Bunny)
Woman you would want to take there?
Miranda Kerr or Stacy Kiebler (both of whose pictures I will use for no relevant reasons in coming weeks.)
The drink you would want to bring?
Yohoo – its not chocolate milk – but a chocolate drink which means it won’t go bad and it tastes sooooo good…I don’t know why its not that official drink of Zimbabwe
The board game you would want to bring?
Most people would say Monopoly. No way – I am going with Hungry Hungry Hippos despite not being a real board game – Hippos are very cool animals
The weapon of your choice?
A English broadsword – they are badass and completely useless on a desert island but cool to swing around
In what Olympic sport would a drunken polar bear best succeed?
Ski jumping – the kind where you go down the long slide – no need for skis and my weight will carry me way past everyone else
If you could have any job in the world what would it be?
Goalie for the NY Rangers – seriously who will shoot a puck past me – I AM FIERCE between the pipes
If you could switch lives with any person in the world who would it be?
The guy who gets to build all the big Lego models in stores, David Wright or Dierks Bentley
Is the drunken polar bear at all related to the polar bears on the Lost Island? If true do you have anything to do with the mysterious nature of the island.
They are my cousins and although I don’t watch the show they tell me they like to get drunk at night and fuck with the crazy people on the island. Don’t even get me started on the penguins…
If the drunken polar bear could cross-mate with any other species who would it be and why?
Perfection does not need to be messed with…how dare you!
While the polar bears and native to colder climates, how do you cope with the warmth of the New York Metropolitan area in the spring?
The same way humans deal with the ultra-cold weather. Alcohol in mass, mind-numbing quantities
How do you open beers with big paws?
My penguin sidekick Petey. Not only can he open a beer upside down, blindfolded, with one fin, but he knows Kung Fu
Please describe the qualities the drunken polar bear looks for in a mate.
Well I will have to answer this one in reference to the ideal Northeastern women – my apologies for the length, but as the concluding question a real DP-original answer is merited
Three Golden (Obvious) Rules
1.Can’t be stronger than me (I pretend to be strong)
2.Can’t be taller than me (I am decently tall)
3.Can’t have more facial hair than me
After that women are awarded “Bonus Points” on a sliding scale for all of the following:
-Looks – yes I am shallow, but I am not a charity
-Intelligence – dumb girls are like Netflix movies – you enjoy renting them for a couple days, but after a few days you want to send them back
-Sense of humor – mine is twisted and inane, but any kind is appreciated
-Blond Hair (although I don’t discriminated against other hair colors)
-Athletic but not enough to beat me in sports
-Ability to watch a sporting event on TV without commenting on the colors or cuteness of uniforms and knowing what team they are going to root for and why
-Ability to drink beer. Not binging drinking, but you gotta be able to have a Bud Light some days while relaxing and not drink fancy martinis all the time
-Ex dancers of any kind, except exotic. Flexibility is always appreciated…
Super Bonus Points – this are like deal clinchers
-She plays golf
-She knows who Erin Andrews is and understands why all men love her
-Jeans and a plain white t-shirt are part of your normal wardrobe
-You can bake sweet peanut-butter chocolate chip cookies (sexist I know, but who cares)
-She is an avid runner
-When you take her to a sporting event she makes an effort to wear a t-shirt, jersey or hat of your home team. Women pay special attention to this. This is the hottest you ever look to us even if you are all glammed up. Something about you rooting for our teams and in their apparel is ridiculously irresistible
-If you routinely wear a guys dress shirt and nothing else the night after a party or fancy event – its hot
-Most of all – A LOVE FOR BIG GOOFY ARTIC ANIMALS
Brr....beer
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