Barney's Lemon Law

Well it’s Friday and for the first time in forever I am not out gallivanting, drinking enough to kill a badger or stuffing my face full of Johnny Rockets burger goodness. What can I say – maybe I am growing up…hahaha…hell no. Lets just say I have a big paper due on Monday called a thesis. In a startling revelation to you my loyal readers I will probably be the recipient of a Masters degree in May. But enough ruining the picture you have of me as a degenerate by telling you I am in school…
Tonight we talk about lemons. Not the fruit – although without them we wouldn’t have gin and tonics or the fantabulous drink called Fresca. The lemons we talk about tonight are somewhat similar to the crappy car that you may be driving, but a step further – specifically, the Lemon Law. As what better place to turn to for a definition of the Lemon Law than Wikipedia:

In "The Duel", a first season episode of CBS's How I Met Your Mother, the character of Barney devises a "lemon law" in which the lemons are blind dates rather than automobiles. It worked in that if you didn't like the person in 5 minutes, you could end the date so no one's feelings would be hurt. It backfired on Barney when a woman sat down, took a good look at him and said "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to lemon law you." Barney was not injured by this rebuff; he simply regretted not naming the idea "Barney's law."

Now this is the same Barney I wrote about last week. He’s awesome and although a fictional character on the tv show. However, let’s reflect for a minute on the lemon law. Everyone has been out on a date that you know right away that will not go well. The girl (or guy) starts talking about an ex, or orders the entire left side of the menu or gets ultra-hammered on one of those huge 60 ounce behemoth margaritas that probably comes with a toy lizard. Either way, within the first 5-20 minutes you are way done and already contemplating what escape mechanism to employ. Basically you transform from normal date-goer to Jason Bourne, going all tactical in hopes of escaping another 2 hours of alcohol-influenced small talk. The whole sick family member or friend in emergency is way overplayed and is an immediate tell – just don’t do it unless you love that red wine or beer you are drinking so much you want it on your shirt. In the past I have found success in just drinking a ton so I won’t really care how the date is going. Or another option is ordering nachos and a full rack of ribs. Not only will you will be full, but you just refuse to wipe your face off, and the girl (or guy) will never want to see you again. Some people at tables around you may even laugh at your shenanigans (word of the day!!!) Regardless, we have all used some pretty bad or interesting methods to scam ourselves out of bad dates.

But how cool, convenient and awesome would be it Lemon Law someone? It’s not too personal and it is an established rule – kinda like being cut from a sports team. You are telling your date that you appreciate their effort, but they just aren’t “talented” enough. No hard feelings. In my case “talent” stands for looks because I am pretty shallow. Dates are pretty much interviews so ending them earlier just saves everyone in the long run and will save your wallet too.
So there you have it – next time you are on a date that isn’t going so well, just invoke the Lemon Law. If your date doesn’t understand it, all the better..

Brrr….beer.