Tacos, Anyone?

Alright everybody. Does everyone remember the story from a while ago about the girl who I used to work with who blew me and it took me forever to get her dirty puss juice smell off my fingers? I will refer to her from here on out as Fish Taco.

So Fish Taco calls me out of the blue on Friday night. I haven't spoken to her since she gobbled my load. I knew immediately that she was definitely going to blow me again, possibly going to fuck me. So we make plans to meet up. I hang up the phone and I proceed to jack off twice. I do this for two reasons.............

1. If I only get a blow job out of the deal, the pleasure will last longer for myself and she will have to suffer longer.

2. If by chance we do fuck, I will put on a performance.

So we meet at this lamo place. It's basically like the Mexican version of TGIFriday's or the Olive Garden. I'm embarrassed to be there in case I might see someone I know.

As we might recall, Fish Taco doesn't look good anymore. But she does have a "go get 'em!" spirit going for her. I order one of the larger beers to dull any last senses that remain with my body. It comes in a giant goblet which was fitting, for me. As we start talking, of course every word out of my mouth is a terrible, totally lame, dirty joke and she eats it all up.

Fish Taco: "You're trouble, you know that?"
Me: "Yes."
Fish Taco: "But that's why I called you."

Yes, I know. It's like the bad writing of a soap opera that's been on 15 years too long.

Fish Taco: "So where are we going to have sex?"
Me: "Ummm....I don't know."
Fish Taco: "I want to sleep over your place but you live with your parents."
Me: "Yes, I do. I don't know if mommy would enjoy witnessing that the next morning."
Fish Taco: "I don't want to have sex in the car. Can we get a hotel room?!?!?"
Me: "Whatever. I'm really not too concerned with it."

Fast Forward........at this point we've met up with AT and Sensor at this dive bar by their houses. The whole night she's telling us that she just broke up with her boyfriend of three years the other day. This is obviously going to be a lay up.

Shortly thereafter, she's juggling my balls and jerking me off under the table. Me likey. Sensor spots it and starts to laugh and make faces at me when she's not looking. At one point, she turns away and he starts doing the Arsenio Hall fist pump.

AT sends me a text message: Your fly is open

Yeah, obviously. How does he notice my fly open but not the girl's arm inside of it moving around?

She goes to get another round. He tells me my fly is open. Sensor explains to him that she's playing with my cock and balls. We all laugh. She comes back with beers. We finish them. They know what's about to go down and tell us that they're getting up early in the morning and have to go. We leave.

As we get to the parking lot, Fish Taco's desperate meter has skyrocketed off the charts.

Like a little girl leaving the carnival, begging daddy to go on the ferris wheel one more time, her eyes light up and she grabs the sleeve of my shirt, nodding 'yes' as she asks me, "OMG! Can we please get a hotel room?!?!?".

Now we all know I love a pathetic girl more than the next guy but this is just downright pitiful.

We get in the car and her face is lunging at mine like a fucking asteroid at mach speed. I can't avoid it at this point. She's making out just like Tall Chick does...trying to rip your face off with their lips. You'd swear these chicks didn't fucking eat if you saw them make out but didn't see their bodies. I pull my penis out to divert her from my lips. She feasts on it for a good 10 minutes. But she keeps stopping to talk about getting a hotel room. This is obviously something she's never done and she's very excited about it. I picture her telling all of her gross friends the next day over lunch that "WE TOTALLY GOT A HOTEL ROOM!", thinking that it might sound all Sex and the Cityish.

I tell her to keep sucking. She tells me I'll have to wait cuz she wants to get a room and finish. I tell her fine but to stop off at the gas station because I need a case of beer.

We get to a gas station. I pick up a case of Coors Light bottles and some more rubbers (I only had two and figured I'd need more since the two jack off sesh's). We go to the hotel which was right next door. She puts the room on her plastic. I only have $40 on me at that point so I tell her that we'll stop at an ATM the next morning and pay for half of the room (The room was $220 + tax).

We get up to the room. I crack a beer. She tells me that she'd like to drink and have a cigarette before we fuck because she's really nervous and hasn't slept with anyone but her boyfriend in the last three years. After I stop picturing what kind of a tool this guy is I tell her that's fine by me. I needed to get a little drunker anyway. Yet as we both agree to this, she continues to make out like a hyena and pushes me on the bed.

Me: "I thought you wanted to drink more."
Fish Taco: "I do." [While slobbering all over me]
Me: "Okay, well let's have some more beers."
Fish Taco: "Let's go in the bathroom so I can smoke a cigarette, there's a smoke detector in here."

I grab another beer so I can start some double fisting. Head into the bathroom. She lights up her cigarette and I grab a seat on the toilet.

Fish Taco: "You're not going to shit, are you?"
Me: "Ummm......no."

I take my johnson out of the slit in my boxers. She gets on her knees and starts feasting on it between drags on her cigarette. I squeeze my balls out of the slit. She starts sucking and licking them.

Me: "Why don't you lose those boxers?"

Fish Taco peels my boxers off and completely dives into my asshole upon doing so. Her face is wiggling and slapping around between my ass cheeks like a frantic fish out of water. She's swirling her tongue around and slurping up whatever coodies lurk in my rectum. At one point, she's actually penetrating my ass with her tongue, in and out.

Probably the most glorious thing I've ever felt in my life. Remember those little scrub brush guys on those Tidy Bowl commercials? It was like there was an army of microscopic scrub brush dudes doing the waltz on my dirty asshole.

She continues to rotate from my cock to my balls to my smelly rectum for about 45 minutes to an hour. Now here's the problem. I can't fire off a shot right now not only because I jacked off twice (which was the purpose) but also because she took her top and bra off. Her tits were saggy and her nipples were mangled. They were weird, maybe her boyfriend used to chew on them or something.

So she tells me that she's ready to go inside. I put a rubber on. I remember thinking that this would last forever. I was spurting 3 minutes later. As I told her I was about to cum, she screamed not to. I did. She lost her shit. She continued to bitch, whine and yell for the next 15 minutes about it being "not fair" and what have you. I told her to calm down and relax and that there would be more to come. She would not stop. Finally I told her that maybe she should be sucking my balls to get my dick hard instead of complaining.

Fish Taco: "I'm not going to do that. What am I, your bitch?"
Me: "That's fine."

Fast Forward to thirty seconds later......slurp, slurp, gobble

Yes, that's the sound of her going to town on my nuts.

Girls are so stupid. You bitch and whine that you didn't get off. I tell you to get my dick hard. You refuse but know you've got no other option. Checkmate.

I put another connie on and start fucking her again. Now my dick is raw. It's throbbing at this point. I know I won't be getting off any time soon. I pounded her beat up puss for at least an hour, probably more. Now here's what transpired during this sesh...............

At one point I must have hit her spot. She's squealing like a pig.

Fish Taco: "That is the spot! I am going to cum! Keep this up, Looty! I just came! I just came right then and there! OMG!"

I continue to pump but switch positions. She's riding on top. She's getting rowdy again.

Fish Taco: "Slap me in the face!"

I have one of those Scooby Doo moments in my head............. Argh?!?!?

Not knowing what to do, I ignore her request.

Fish Taco: "Slap me in the face!"

So I do. Lightly.

Fish Taco: "Like that but do it fucking harder!"

Thwack!

I can just picture the flashing lights and sirens now.

Fish Taco: "Slap me again, you know I like it rough!"

Um, no actually I didn't. But now I do.

Thwack!

Let me tell you something. If you've never bitch slapped a girl while your cock was inside her, it's very empowering.

So I'm back on top at one point and I'm doing something right again because she's getting weird.

Fish Taco: "I'm going to cum! Keep doing that! OMG I just came right there! Do you feel how wet I am right now?!? That's because I came!"

This is bothering me.

So I'm still fucking her but I'm getting tired. My heart is going to pop. I get on my side and instruct her to do the same. I slip my penis in and rotate her slightly so she's on face but her body's still on its side. After telling me to choke her, and me obliging, she's about to cum again. Yes, I said choke. She's screaming. The headboard is bumping.

Fish Taco: "Talk dirty to me."

You have to be kidding me.

Me: "You like that cock?"
Fish Taco: "Yes, you are so deep right now. OMG do you know how deep you are?"

Not that deep, I've got a small penis.

Fish Taco: "Keep talking!"

Right now, after all of the bizarre happenings, I'm struggling for something dirty to say but realize anything will fly.

Me: "Are you my bitch?"
Fish Taco: "If this is being your bitch it is so worth it!"

I laugh in my head at how pathetic this girl is. Seriously.

Finally I can't last anymore. I'm dying. I tell her to get on top. She starts to climb on top but facing me. I tell her to face the other way. She obeys and starts to bounce. I reach for my phone and start snapping pictures. One problem. It's darker than it was in the bathroom so the pictures aren't coming out. I keep deleting them and trying to get a worthy photo to send on to everyone.

She must have heard me pressing buttons. She turns around.

Fish Taco: "I fucking knew it! You were trying to take a picture! You're such an asshole! I know all the stories but still! What are you going to do, tell all your fucking friends?!? You're not a real human being! You have no heart!
Me: "What are you talking about? My mom texted me asking where I was so I just responded saying I was sleeping at a friend's place."
Fish Taco: "Bullshit!"

She scurries into the bathroom where her clothes were and gets dressed. While in there, I delete all my text messages, especially the pix messages I sent of her eating my ass WHILE she was eating my ass. The last text in my phone is to my mom declaring, "Not sleeping home 2nite". I'm golden.

She comes out of the bathroom and I show her the text to my mom. I think she's bought it. Haha. But she continues to tell me that I'm not a real human being. I agree with her, I am not human.

Fish Taco: "That's a front Looty and you know it! Don't use that front!"

This dumb bitch said it, I just agreed with it, yet I'm using it as a front. This continues for way too long. I already know I'm heartless.

Fish Taco: "Well I don't want to sleep here and I'm sure you don't so let's go, I'll take you home."

I start filling my pockets with as many beer bottles that will fit and crack open a roadie to hold in my hand. Not a word in the elevator down. She wouldn't even look at me. The whole thing was very comical. So the elevator opens and she's power walking like fucking Oprah. I can't keep up with her. She's gone, out the back door of the hotel.

I stay in the hotel and ponder calling a cab or sleeping there. Five minutes later she calls me.

Fish Taco: "Let's go. Are you coming? I'm not going to leave you here, Looty."

I go outside and get to her car. I take all the beer bottles out of my pockets so I can sit. She starts driving to my house but continues to tell me that I'm not human. At this point I'm not responding at all, I'm just smirking at the whole thing.

She will not stop. Finally I can't hold it in. I burst out in hysterical laughter. I'm balling. She's mortified that I'm finding this funny. How could you not???

Fish Taco: "You know what? Fuck you! Get the fuck out of my car!"

I'm still laughing as she pulls over. I pick up the bottles. I leave the car door open as I put them back in my pockets. I decide to leave her door open. Fuck her. I start walking.

Fish Taco: "The least you can do is close my fucking door asshole. Close the fucking door!"

I don't even look back and keep walking. She holds her horn down for about thirty seconds. I keep walking. She closes the door and peels off. Did I mention she lives two hours away and doesn't know how to get home? Yup. The idiot lives in no man's land and forgot to bring her navigation system with her. Whoops!

I'm walking down the street. It's after 4am. It's totally silent. All of the sudden I here a loud POP! I start sprinting, not knowing what it was. Gunshot? Firecracker? As I'm running down the street I realize my tush has more breathing room. One of the beers in my back pocket slipped out and exploded.

So it took me about an hour and a half, maybe more, to get home from where she kicked me out of the car. It was 35 degrees out and I didn't have a jacket, just a long sleeved golf shirt. If I didn't have the 5 beers to drink I would have been in a world of hurt.

So after it was all said and done, here's the box score......

1 tossed salad, 4 bitch slaps, 2 choke holds, 5 rubbers, free hotel room, 20 beers and an hour and a half walk home.

Fish Taco, everybody.....Fish Taco.