…on to the much anticipated Part II of the series. I have the Mets game (they are down 3-1 to the Cubs) blasting in my headphones and typing furiously at work like I am going to town on a memo. So lets talk a little bit about bar patios.
The weather is warmer. Clothes are getting shed. That familiar squeaking of flip flops reverberates everywhere. Spring is here. Just as spring is signaled by some digging through their closets for spring clothes, bars embrace a different ritual. Instead of freeing breasts and legs for the world to see, they open their restaurant to the street. Those giant bay windows in the front crack open and tables are thrown out on the sidewalk. Now as always, you are asking – “DP what do I care about restaurant patios for?” Excellent question, but allow me lecture on the importance of bar patios.
Bar patios are awesome. If you are lucky enough to grab a table on a nice Thursday, Friday or Saturday you have the ultimate seat to the most revered hobby of all NYC’ers – people watching. That’s right – people watching. You sit there and silently or out load, judge everyone who walks by. In my case (and for almost every other mid 20’s guy) judging is strictly based on a physical attributes. Yes, as a group we are extremely shallow, but you should expect absolutely nothing less. And combined with the spring clothing choices of women you could not get a better scenario. But for you nerds out there, here is the mathematical formula to break down these awesome nights:
Sunny 70 degree weather + bar patio – leaving work earlier x alcohol = the ultimate objectification of women as they walk by.
In some cases, and more probable as the night goes on, people watching turns into a distorted beauty pageant. As the beer flows like water and the sun sets, women watching isn’t enough to quench the unending thirsts of hungry men. The hobby now escalates into a new game. As women walk by numbers are shouted out or conferred upon to the group. If a woman is a 4 or 5, it is muttered quietly to the group. If she is in the 8-10 range it is shouted as a compliment. After a couple more rounds, all numbers, regardless of value, are shouted – because everyone in the group is drunk. But there is a way to win this game. Think of it as the way you earned gold stars back in 1st grade for coloring in the lines. But instead of coloring in the lines you are trying to pick up women as they walk by. Here is how you score it:
Get a girl to stop and talk to you – 1 star
Get told off by a girl – 2 stars
Waitress is so amused by your game you get a free round – 3 stars
You get drunk enough to hold up napkins with #’s rating each girl – 4 stars
Get a hot girl to come in and sit down – 5 stars
Get two hot girls to come in – 6 stars
Twins(need I say more) – 7 stars
Recruit other tables to play the game – 8 stars
Take home a girl from you picked – 9 stars
And the 10 star, ultimate, superlegendary point-achieving accomplishment only achieved once in history:
A Swedish volleyball team is on a tour of NYC and they happen to walk by your particular bar as you drink outside. Despite the language barrier you manage to communicated that all the girls in the group are 8’s or higher. These girls so flattered come into the restaurant and drink with you for the rest of the night. All single guys go home with a Swedish girl because they find your American “accent” charming. You are instantly recognized as the greatest contributor to the history of mankind and proclaimed ultimate winner of the bar patio game known simple as “Numbers & Stars”
Brrr….Beer
No comments:
Post a Comment