The Wingman Rule

Here goes blog #2 in a row. And for those of you sticklers who are saying I am not posting within the actually 24-hour period of the day itself I have one response – F*&$ off. Although I am not legally drunk, I am pretty close and yes it is a Tuesday. I went to the Mets home opener today which was at 1:10PM and I just got in around 12:15AM – a fantastic 13 hours of being out because we went out for food and beers before the game. So forgive me if this is short or unspell-checked, but I am ridiculously tired and tipsy.

So while out today for the baseball game, which was eventually lost by the Mets because the goddamn bullpen blew it again I had to play wingman. Now we all went out after the game for like 7 hours in the city and it was great because I got southern BBQ which I love, but I was forced to play wingman to my good friend, the Croatian Sensation (CS for short). Now CS had found this group of hot little women and although he did not need my help to close the deal, required me to stick around and talk to two of three girls so he could focus on one. Keep in mind I was exhausted after dinner so I had to play wingman for like 4 hours. I am not complaining, but it got me thinking about the wingman role…

Mostly because typing is more of an adventure tonight than most others and because writing this blog sobers me up, I have decided to present you my wonderful readers with the magical ten rules of being a wingman, in no particular order:

1. The basic rule of a wingman is that when requested, you must help your friend score hot ass

2. The wingman rule is only null and void if the girl you must entertain is an ex girlfriend, 20+ years above your age or a murderer. All other cases mean you gotta suck it up

3. The wingman will take on a girl no matter what she looks like, even if she is a swamp creature during a bad hair day

4. The wingman should buy as little drinks when possible at a bar. Come on – he is probably talking to a fat girl so you can score with her hot friend, so make sure to keep him boozed up to deal with it all

5. The wingman has a 4 bar maximum. You can drag your wingman to 4 different bars in hopes of slamming a young hottie, but after that the contract is expired and you are done my friend.

6. Wingen are only required to keep ONE GIRL occupied – not many. The only exception to this rule is when they are Sweedish twins and in that case the Wingman can take on the Sweedish twins and some of their friends from the volleyball team.

7. Wingmen are required to hook up with said friend, but not sleep with them. That’s way above the agreement. However, wingmen and friend can come to an amicable agreement in which money or goods are exchanged for the wingman sleeping with the friend. Think of this as a legal form of prostitution.

8. Wingmen are only confined to the state you are in when you invoke the wingman rule, and are limited to 4 subway or cab rides. They are not nomads for Christ sake

9. The wingman rule can only be invoked once during a night. If you happen to need a wingman twice in one night you are a pimp which is great. However, don’t be a douchebag and make your friend suffer all night. You only get to call “wingman” once a night. If you call it twice you owe your wingman your sister or next hottest relative

10. Take the hotness number (1-10) of the girl you are trying to hook up with. Divide that by 3 and round up. That’s the number of times you owe your friend wingman duty. It is part of the ever lasting cycle and you sacrificed your time to be a wingman when you thought you had a chance hooking up with the hot blond from the bar…

If you have other rules, and I hope you do, please add them in the comment section and if they are cool I will throw them on the blog. If not they are getting tossed because I said so.

Brrr….Beer