Drunken Dog Syndrome

I drink. I drink a lot sometimes. That may not come as a surprise to some. I am coming off 5 straight nights going out and have some minor chest pain, but that is despite the point. Although I haven’t been super polar bear drunk in a while, it is a show when it happens. Like a freight train full of Japanese fireworks, carrying death row inmates, driven by a drunken frat party into a gunpowder factory. Many stories from previous entries cover more on that topic, but I want to share a syndrome I have experienced every since college that has saved my life on more than one occasion – drunken dog syndrome.

Dogs often have a unique ability. When they get lost or are taken far from home, they are miraculously able to navigate back to their home despite overcoming odds and probably a lot of traffic lights. I don’t know if there is a scientific explanation for this and it doesn’t really apply to ever dog, but that doesn’t lessen how cool this feat is. Humans can have some semblances of this ability when driving, but it’s just not that same. However, there are a rare few that have a good case of drunken dog syndrome. These professional drunkards can knock off a bottle of Jack and a 6-pack and still make it back to their home each night. The kicker is most times the drunk doesn’t remember the actual action of getting home, yet they will wake up in their bed the next morning. It’s almost like they have drunken GPS. Here is an example to further proof my point:

So I go out in the city on a fairly normal basis and rely on subways and buses to get home each night. One particular Saturday night I was out with friends and started drinking a lot fairly early. And by a lot I mean enough to kill a small animal – possible a big mongoose. So around midnight, my memory fades and I only get flashes of what went on, but I woke up in my bed the next morning in my PJs. Over the next few days more memory comes back as the booze gets diluted in my brain. At 2:00AM I decided it was time to go home and head on my way. Keep in mind I still don’t remember all of this. What I did smashed out of my mind is impressive any way you slice it. I took 3 subways, a PATH train and walked about a mile to get back to my apartment – not remembering any of it. Now a cab ride and one subway would be easier, but I had to make 3 transfers and get off at the rights tops. I call this drunken behavior a superhuman ability, which is repeated on more than one occasion. I have never not come home when blitzed and always seem to not know how I got home. I stopped trying to figure it out a while ago, and just remained thankful I wasn’t waking up in bus terminals or subway cars.

Thus you could reasonable say that being a drunken dog has saved my life on several occasions…

Note: Keep in mind drunken dog syndrome applies only those who don’t drive because drinking and driving is just fucking idiot and horrible.

Brrr….Beer