Tackling Mascots

Quick hits for this one. I would like to tell you where the idea came from, but I was nowhere near a mascot during this thought so I am pretty sure my mind is a giant carnival. But my point – every time I see a mascot, whether it be Chucky Cheese, a Disney character or the Philly Fanatic I have the primal urge to get a running head start and spear tackle them out of nowhere. If you don’t know what a spear tackle is: you get a running start and about 5 feet away from your tackle object, you jump going fully horizontal to the ground hoping to hit the person so hard in the middle of their body that one of their kidneys turns to dust and you shatter 9 ribs. Essentially this kind of tackle pulverizes your body, but is hilarious. A good example of this is seen in Old School during the hazing scene when Will Ferrell runs and spear tackles “Spanish” into a fountain.

So yea – every time I see a mascot I want to spear tackle them. It’s not that I don’t like these characters, but I think something is built into human DNA, probably mostly in men, that triggers violent urges when an 8ft colorful cartoon character is within 20 feet. It may be some pent up anger from watching too many childhood cartoons like Barney, Looney Toons or Darkwing Duck (boo yea on that one!). I think it is a justifiable action because it is fucking hilarious. I bet many guys have this same urge, but have never acted upon it. Therefore, men of the world, I say go for it and tackle the Toledo MudHen or the Chatanooga Lookout because aggravated assault (only a misdemeanor) and a night in jail are way worth it.

Note: The only exception to this rule is Mr. Met. He is awesome because he head is enormous and he has a hot wife – Mrs. Met.

Brrr….Beer