So I come to work this Tuesday having enjoyed the long holiday weekend and find all internet and email is down in my office. I spent a good part of the morning catching up on some stuff, but its lunch now and since I can’t get to any type of Internet I am going to rattle off blogs for the remainder of the afternoon. Don’t worry I have been writing things down on bar napkins, post-its and even my hand as creativity has come back to me in the last week.
So what are we talking about this Tuesday? Fishes. That’s right – not the little cracker versions (although they are the coolest snack food ever. I finished off half a bag of zesty nacho yesterday), but the kind swimming in the sea or your local fishbowl. So a good friend of mine who is in a good relationship was talking to me the other day, and through my normal distorted thought pattern another theory started to develop on sex for single people and those in relationships. Of course, what would a drunken polar bear theory be without animals or some far-fetched analogy…
When it comes to sex, those in relationships are like goldfish. I know it sounds crazy, but just hear me out. Whether it’s a regular goldfish bowl or a more elaborate aquarium fish get fed on a daily basis. You come home from work, grab the pellets or flakes for the fish and drop them in the top of the tank. The fish go crazy and snatch up all the food. After a while they even may know what time of day to expect the food (kind like a simpler version of Pavlov’s dogs salivating when the bell was rung). Fish in tanks have to do no work for their food and get fat and happy eating their fish food. Being in a relationship is the same thing. If you are in a relationship you don’t really have to work for sex, and it may not come daily for some, but it still is pretty much guaranteed and you don’t have to buy $14 martinis and pretend to be interested in the girl to get it. You come home for work or just do a movie night and you have a good chance at getting some. This constant stream of sex makes you just as fat and happy as the goldfish. Although there have been no studies, I guarantee with all the polar- bearness I have that guys in relationships get fatter because they don’t have to work for it anymore. Even those couples that are a little freaky/kinky/exotic are still like fish in tanks, but are more like fighting fish or those exotic fish you pay $80 for to look cool. No matter how many colors or stripes they have, they still live in fish tanks.
However, when it comes to sex, those single folk are like barracudas. Barracudas are some of the most wild, badass fish in the ocean. They roam the seas and have to work for their food. No magical pellets or flakes for them – they hunt for their daily feed and are in fierce shape. When a barracuda sees its dinner it goes into attack mode flying at its prey while avoiding all the obstacles of the sea. If the barracuda is not stealthy, smooth and fast it doesn’t eat. Even when fisherman drop chum (that bloody fish cocktail used to attract fishes), they still have to be careful not to got caught. Being single looking for sex is just like being a barracuda. Replace the sea with bars and the prey with women. Once a guy has found a girl that is attractive, he must be quick to beat out other guys, yet has to be smooth so the girl doesn’t think he is a big jackass. If he is not a good hunter he is going to get any for a long while. Whereas fish die if they don’t eat, single guys slowly turn more and more desperate until they turn into asexual beings. Also, just as a barracuda has to avoid being caught when fisherman drop chum in the water, single guys have to be careful too. Often a group of girls will dangle their one hot friend in the bar in hopes of attracting a group of guys – only to find out later that the group of guys has been trapped by ugly girls.
So to close – what kind of fish are you???
Brrr….Beer
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